Friday, July 31, 2009

Links links links!

Did they miss the boat on this one, or are they hitting a pop-culture reference at just the right time? I don't know for sure, but I do know that I like what I see.

Remember the driver through order rap videos that were going around a while back? Man, was that last year? In Internet time, that means it came out sometime around the time when drive through restaurants were invented. Anyway, these guys do a great folks song version... even better is the reaction of the guy working the window...

And in the "Didn't see that one coming..." file, I bring you this story.

Finally, a chart so you know that your time here has been well spent.

Friday, July 24, 2009

And then sometimes the humor is written for you...

I don't know how long this will be up for (that's kind of a pun), so I snagged an image of it.



Brilliant.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Jar-Jar, No Deliveries, Ye Olde Handiemanne, Plot for Next Summer Teen Comedy, and Question?



I know that this is probably something real, but for fun read it like Jar-Jar Binks. It somehow becomes both funny and tragic at the same time.




Who could resist this compelling offer? I like that this guy is up front with his declaration of non-delivery. This way, he weeds out all the people expecting deliveries all at once.

It somehow doesn't surprise me that this guy owns a copy of "10,000 BC".




If you need worke done on your classie car, then look no further than this Irish mechanic from 1750.



Seriously, my parents are going to be home this weekend and they can't see this. On a completely unrelated topic, does anyone know how to get stains out of a carpet caused by a falling vodka filled watermelon?



This ad appears to have been written by a Japanese game show.
You read? Ad! No monkey dance! Pencil case.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I don't know Captcha, what is it?

Sometimes, those "are you a robot or are you a human" security checks (captcha) that force you to type in random words comes up with some unintentional hilarity.

Here's one from Facebook that I got the other day.

On second thought, I'd rather not know what this is.

Find any good ones of your own?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Forget the prom dresses, I want to meet the owners!

My prom date and I were just friends, no romance involved. Still, I think we had a pretty good time. We met with friends, stood around, took some pictures, danced a bit. Then she left with her friends and I left with mine and it was all good.

Still, it would have been nice to have gone with my girlfriend. It would have also been nice to have had a girlfriend to go with. Whatever the case, I don't know if I'm happy or disappointed that I didn't go to the prom with the owner of these dresses...

Hosted by imgur.com

I must be tired because I can't find a really good pun to go with this ad. I mean, I want to point out the description, but I'm having trouble finding that perfect mix of subtle and awesome. Help me out! Add yours to the comments.

I'm finally on my days off so I'll get started on that other Kijiji project I was thinking of. More later!

PS - Yes, honey, I was just kidding about wanting to meet the owners. Mostly kidding anyway.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Kijiji 2: Return of the Beans

The free beans person is back! They've updated their ad at least twice. I'm sorry to say I didn't take screen shots now...

As you may recall the first ad said something to the effect of "Free beans. I have too many beans, come take them away."

The second ad (which I didn't take a screen shot of, unfortunately) said the same thing, but added the descriptive phrase "free canned beans". This, of course, answered many of our questions.

The most recent ad is much more informative, but also brings up some additional questions. This time, I've taken a picture!



In case you are unable to click through to read it, the ad now says:
I HAVE 18 CANS OF CANNED BEANS...THEY WOULD BE GREAT FOR SOMEONE MAKING A BIG POT OF **CHILI**.
I LIVE AT 3 EDGETT AVE...THEY WILL BE IN A BOX ON THE FRONT STEP...
ANYONE WHO WANTS THEM COME AND TAKE THEM....I HAVE ACCUMULATED TO MANY CANS OF BEANS AND I WILL NEVER EAT THEM ALL...........COME AND TAKE THEM AWAY.
You can tell they mean business now: they've upgraded to caps lock, and you don't just use caps lock for no good reason.

Question 1: How does one become the proud owner of 18 cans of beans? I mean, seriously. I've gone to the grocery store and come home and said "Oh, dang, we already had jam." In fact, we've ended up the proud owners of 3 bottles of jam because I couldn't remember that we already had some. But I've never bought 18 bottles of jam at once. That's just crazy talk.

Question 2: Why are these beans only great for someone making **CHILI**? Are these beans substandard for bean salad? What about if I was making refried beans?

Question 3: Are you concerned that perhaps people are too embarrassed to swing by and pick up your beans? Is that why you're just leaving them on a box on your front steps? Nice and anonymous, that's the way we like our porn and beans.

Question 4: Was it necessary to point out that you wouldn't be able to eat all the beans you had bought? Did you think "oh, I had better tell people that I don't want to eat these beans, otherwise they will think 'no worries, those beans will just get eaten if I don't take them'"? After the first couple of cans of beans, trust me, nobody will be around you to care if you eat any more.

Question 5: How do you feel that over 100 people have visited your ad, yet none of them want your beans? What do you think this suggests about society? Do you feel alone in a bean-less world? Or perhaps there are 100 other people saying "dang, someone's already giving beans away, nobody will want mine."

Question 6: Will you continue to post your free beans on Kijiji until someone takes them away? Or could you be convinced to take those beans to the food bank where 18 families might enjoy your surplus beanery?

Whoa, that was kind of a thought provoking ending.

Alternate ending: Has anyone ever made refried beans? I'm curious if the recipe is as simple as the name implies. There aren't many other things that are named how they are made. Take Upside-Down Cake would be one. Just asking.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Scooter For My Wife: The Responses

As of 9:00 this evening, there were almost 300 hits on my ad. That's 298 hits in about 32 hours, or 9.3 clicks per hour. Go me!

It didn't generate nearly the response that I was hoping for (i.e. a free scooter), however I did get some feedback.

Overwhelmingly, the emails I received were positive in nature. In fact, 66% of all emails were of the high-five variety.

Phil said:
"Great write-up - If I had a scooter to give away, you would have it for sure!
Thanks for the laugh"
Thanks Phil! I'll be sure to ask for more things that you don't have that you would give me otherwise in the future!

Jayne from Sympatico said:
"hehe! Good article. Good luck with that"
Aw, your half-hearted chuckle was all that I needed, but thanks for the compliment!

Todd said:
"Weh...this is glorious. Just thought I'd let you know.
I want a scooter, too..."
The most glowing review I received, Todd gets the Biggest Fan award. Congratulations Todd! Now go write your own ad, but you better not get a scooter for free before my wife.

Finally, Lady said:
"haha this add made me laugh! :))"
Lady is the biggest geek to write me. Only huge nerds are amused by math. To further emphasize how big a nerd she is, her emoticon is a smiling Alien (get it? There are two mouths? haha!). Thanks Lady! (Wow, I feel like Jerry Lewis...)

But of course, not all correspondence was like this.

In fact, A Guy (who shall remain nameless for now, but I can't imagine that there are many A. Guy's living in the area) was the first person to respond to my deliciously worded ad:
"Buddy I don't know what your smoking, but you better stop soon..cause your babbling like a woman...so give the guy his money back for those cheap drugs you bought, cause whatever it did to your mind you got taken"
I believe what A is trying to tell me here is that he disapproves of my advertisement. I hope to become close friends with A in the near future. If he thinks that I wrote this while under the influence of cheap drugs, he MUST have access to awesome drugs. Then, when I have lured him into trusting me implicitly, I will turn him in to Crime Stoppers. Instead of reward money, I will ask for a scooter for my wife.

Finally, Duffieboy wrote me at least once, but quite possibly more than that. I'm also theorizing that A Guy was actually trying to write Duffieboy and got me by accident:
"My msg to you continued...
Life is what life is.. live it the best you can, be as happy as you can... and love each other as much as you can.... And the most important...Make sure to do everything you can to make each other as happy as you can...
You never know when either of you will die...don;t waste your life worrying.. live it."
Duffie, my response to you begins...
Something is what something is. Do something the best you can, and be as emotionally positive as you can, given the circumstances...
Duffie, that's what the old me would have said to you in a sarcastic and highly mocking tone of voice...but the new me, the me that your mind altering email changed me into, wants to do nothing more than connect with you spiritually and on a higher plane of existence...and maybe then slap the bejeepers out of you.
Uh, hello? I DO love my wife as much as I can AND I'm doing everything I can to make her happy! Did you not read my ad? I'm trying to get her a scooter! I'm helping to fulfill one of my wife's fondest wishes. What are YOU doing? Jerk.


If I get any more ads, I'll post 'em. I have an idea for the next one, still percolating and it will need some work. If I get a free scooter for my wife, I'll post a picture too!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

My wife wants a scooter...

Here's my Kijiji ad. I think it's amusing. :)

I've already started to receive emails on it, and will start posting them as updates over the next couple of days.

For those of you that don't want to go to Kijiji.ca to see it, here's the text.

Address: Moncton, NB
Date Listed: 09-Jul-09

My wife really wants a scooter.

Every time one drives by, her eyes light up like a kid when the Dickie-Dee comes down the street. I thought I could distract her by getting her a little push scooter thing, but that just made her want a motorized one even more.

Here is a sample of the things she's said over the last five years:

"Oh, there's that cute one!"
"There's the one with flowers on it!"
"I saw that scooter parked at work today..."
"I really want a scooter."

The woman is determined.

I, on the other hand, believe that scooters are simply miniature versions of Road Machines of Death and Dismemberment (aka motorcycles). They may be smaller, but you only have to get crushed and ground into the pavement once, right?

I would also prefer to spend our hard earned money on something that won't kill her immediately. Something like a big screen TV, a bear trap, or a game of lawn darts.

I'm not saying that I believe that my wife will immediately crash and burn in a horrible accident. I'm just suggesting that said tragedy could be prevented by, you know, not being on a scooter.

So, I throw this out to you Kijiji and the Internet. If you are a serious scooter-head (I don't know what you call people that love scooters), AND believe that everyone who really wants a scooter should have one, AND you have a scooter that is in good running condition that you're willing to give away, AND you can accept the fact that I will probably hold you morally responsible for my wife's subsequent happiness/horrible injuries/shuffling off this mortal coil, then I'd like to hear from you.

No junked scooters - if it will require money to get running, no thanks. I'll probably be willing to spring for, say, changing the oil. I'm not willing to pay for a new superinfluxuidator valve or flex capacitor. Cosmetic stuff is okay. If it just needs some paint or it's got a dent (although anything that dents a scooter is probably liable to just take it clean out in my opinion), we can deal with that.

Don't worry about safety gear. If you have some that will fit my wife that is in good condition, great, but believe me when I say that if this becomes reality and someone does show up with a free scooter in running condition, there's no way she's getting on it until she's got a helmet, body armor, bubble wrap and (if possible) an emergency crew/police escort. All the money that will be saved in not paying for a scooter will be funnelled into ensuring that my lovely wife will remain in the same condition she was in before she got on the thing.

That's about it.


--UPDATE--

As of 7:00 AM this morning, my ad has had 230 hits!

I've only received a handful of emails, I'll put them up tonight when I get back from work. Probably.

Jumping on the Internet Meme Bandwagon!

I predict that "Gary the Landlord" will turn into a new cultural meme.

"I wouldn't move in there, the landord's a total Gary."

"Would you look at this lease? It looks like it was written by Gary."

"Hey, the police are here. Wonder if he's pulling a Gary."

I would recommend starting at the beginning. It only takes a few minutes to go through all the posts, and they are truly a delight.

Warning: there is some NSFW language... and then some language that you can be pretty sure is supposed to be NSFW, but is kind of funny. Reminds me of a story my high school English teacher told us about someone writing graffiti on the sidewalk outside his home: "Fick oof"

Fick oof, indeed.

I've submitted my first Kijiji ad...

Now I'm playing the waiting game for it to appear. Why, oh why does it take up to 24 hours for it to appear? That makes me sad. I should submit an ad on Kijiji so everyone knows that this is discriminatory and violates my basic human rights. Or something.

In the meantime, here are some ads that have caught my eye this morning.

Need Tutor
See what happens when you try to go with the lowest bidder?

You're right, the world is out to get you.
He drops his family off at Magic Mountain, then parks illegally and gets ticketed. Then he says that he's not going to spend any tourism money in Moncton on the weekend. Dude, we have already made our tourism money off you: Family Magic Mountain Passes + Food + gas to get home + $75 parking fine = we are doing all right.

Return of Bean Guy
Turns out that if you're not at least a little descriptive, nobody will want your free stuff. Lesson learned.

Free 2002 VW Passat!
I gotta call this guy up! Oh wait. Dang.

Wedding dress for sale
It's not so much the wedding dress that intrigues me about this ad. It's the picture that accompanies it. It really looks to me like these bridesmaids are up to something.

"Hey Janet, we know that you're really happy and everything today, but we just wanted to let you know... APRIL FOOL'S! You're soon-to-be husband is just an out of work actor that we hired. Why did we do it? Because we hate the way that you smile like a three year old."

Hopewell Rocks Family Day Pass
Wow, they only want $40 for the family day pass that they won on the radio. Okay, at first I was amused by this because family day passes for Hopewell Rocks cost about half what they're asking for (it's the season passes that are expensive). But what made me giggle (much like a schoolgirl, yes) was something I missed on my first reading:

"...ALREADY HAVE PASSES..."

I have only one question: Who buys a season pass to Hopewell Rocks? I mean, is there more to do there than I've seen before? Did they open up a Six Flags there since I was last there? Amazing wonder of the natural world. Seen it.

Doll size scare crows
For scaring away tiiiiiny little birds from your imaginary garden.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Magic of Kijiji

I found this ad and it delighted me.

Free Beans

I mean, really, this ad sums Kijiji up so well. Here's something that I don't want, I can't imagine that it has any value at all whatsoever so I guess I'll just throw it out. Or I'll put it up on kijiji and see if someone else wants my crap!

I've decided to try a little social experiment with Kijiji. I'm going to post wanted ads for stuff for free, you see them up there all the time. I'll put links up to my posts and if I get any really good correspondence I'll put it up here too.

Ah, weddings... so magical

You know how you can get caught up in the moment and not realize that you're on the Express Line to Craptown?

This is the story of one woman's second wedding. Well, not actually the story of the wedding - more like if you took a social network snapshot of the wedding party, and I find that interesting. Sure there are lots of disastrous wedding stories out there: weddings with drunk parties; weddings where everything just falls apart; weddings where a bridesmaid attempts to murder everyone, then attempts suicide (read the comments below the story); weddings that get interrupted by horrible tragedies like rain, blizzards or mortar shelling.

It's a little fascinating discovering the intricate web of relationships. I think it also says something about he human condition that no matter how many things point at something being a disaster on an epic scale, or even just a flat out war of attrition, people will just keep plowing ahead.

Whoa, got a little deep there.

Go read the story.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

If I was a reporter, I'd write news like this.

I'd get fired quickly, I'm sure. But thankfully, the Internet will always be there for me. Won't you Internet? Yes, you will.

Anyway, this story is so overwhelmingly delightful I needed to share it with you all.

Fair warning, this story has adult content may not be considered appropriate for minors. Or sharps. (That was a musical pun, get it?)

http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/2009/07/shmucks_of_the_week_the_threes.php

Monday, July 6, 2009

Like if M. Night Shyamalan made a movie about being scammed

Only he did it before The Sixth Sense so it sucked less and also a comedy.

It warms the very cockles of my heart to see that there are people out there that are not only unwilling to get scammed, but are also willing to put that experience out there for everyone else to see.

This is a chat log between a Valve employee and a customer about a Terms of Service violation... OR IS IT?

Regardless, hilarity ensues.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I never knew the power of my name...

Until I saw this. (Warning, there's a SWEAR word in there...)



I don't know what I'm looking at. I mean, I can kind of figure out that this is a snippet from a larger tale of some kind of strange alternate Sigmund Freud that was whisked away into the future and became some kind of Rambo-esque character, fighting the tyrannical forces of some sort of Middle East-esque group.

Oddly, the first thing that I thought of (after the "When did my last name become the sound you make when you punch through somebody else's head?") was that English was their common language. It just goes to prove what I've been saying for years: English has a hundred words for hate, but not a single word for love.

The next thing I thought of was "Would Sigmund Freud, even an alternate reality warrior Sigmund Freud, get his nipple pierced?" That question shall plague me forever. Or, until I stop writing this post.

As an aside, for perhaps the first time in my life, I find myself hoping to avoid ever doing a google search for my name. Please, don't help.

And now I stop thinking about his nipple piercing.