Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Not Funny Post

Dear Lucky Anonymous People That Drove By Us On the Shediac Road,

I want you to immediately go to the nearest corner store or gas station and purchase lottery tickets for all of the draws this week. Lotto Max, 6/49, Atlantic, don't forget to get Tag. Buy some Crosswords and Set For Life and any other scratch tickets you can get your hands on. Today is your lucky day.

It occurs to me that you are probably under the legal age to buy tickets. If that's the case, take a moment to consider that today is your turning point. Today is the day that despite all the poor decisions that you've made in your short life, the universe has handed you a chance to turn it all around.

I hope that you remember us. I hope that you remember the moment that you saw a family walking on the sidewalk along the Shediac Road, and decided that you needed to do something to impress your friends. I hope that we weren't just some random synapse in your brain, and that you carry this moment with you for years to come. Because, as I said, today is your lucky day.

I imagine that you probably just came back from the beach, where you maybe had a few drinks, and you just happened to have a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Maybe you'd been munching on them all the way back from Shediac, and you had just said "Ugh, if I eat one more cookie, I'm going to throw up". But you had one last cookie in your hand. What to do? You couldn't eat it - if you did, your friends would probably make fun of you. That would be awful, wouldn't it?

Or maybe you were fighting with your friend over who got to eat the cookie, and in your struggles, you ended up losing the cookie. Or it was your friends that were fighting over the cookie and you'd had enough of their bickering.

Perhaps you had just had a really bad day, and in your whole life, nobody had said to you "when you're having a bad day, don't take it out on other people".

Or, saddest of all, maybe you saw a family out for a walk and you said to your friends "Watch this."

Whatever the case, the cookie that you threw didn't hit me, and it didn't hit my wife. But it did hit my infant daughter. And you know what? It doesn't matter that it was just a cookie. Because you threw something from a car on the Shediac Road - where everyone does at least 60 km/h - and YOU HIT MY DAUGHTER IN THE HEAD.

And here is where today is your lucky day. You didn't hit my child in the face. You didn't take out one, or both, of her eyes. You didn't scar her for life. You didn't hit her in the temple and give her brain damage or kill her. And before you shrug that off, I want you to really think about what it would have meant if you had actually killed my child. Can you even imagine what that means? Can you imagine if you had killed someone and just kept on driving?

We couldn't tell which of the cars speeding past you were in. I assume that you were in the car blasting the rap music with the windows down, but that's just an assumption. We have no proof, and we have literally no way of tracking you down. You got away with the perfect crime. Bravo. It could have been so much worse. My daughter suffered nothing more than a small bump and a big scare. Her amazing mother is doing everything exactly right to keep her on schedule and to keep her father from being a crazy man.

So instead of taking my anger and lashing out at you, the best I can do is post this on facebook and ask people to share it around. If the whole six degrees of separation thing works, and enough people share this, you will eventually see it.

I know this was a long post, but I'd like to think that it found you. I would like to think that when you read this, you get nauseous realizing how close you came to destroying everything beautiful and wonderful and amazing in my life. And I hope that the next time you find yourself in a situation where you could do good or you could do harm that you make the right choice.

Because the next time, you might not be lucky. And neither will someone else.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Five Movies That You'll Be SHOCKED Aren't Video Games Yet!

Here are five films that you will be astounded have not been made into video games yet.  Normally, I'd just list the five films and that'd be the end of it.  But no, this time, because I appreciate you, my kind and generous reader, I am also going to include links and some other words that when put together in the order in which I have them make up additional sentences and content!

5.  Trading Places (1983)

The Movie - Trading Places was about Eddie Murphy being poor and Dan Aykroyd being rich, which you'd think is probably the end of the discussion about the economy of race in America.  BUT NO.  Just when you think that there is no way for this to get any funnier, they trade places!  Now Dan Aykroyd is poor and Eddie Murphy is rich and they don't know why that's happening!
The Video Game - Think Street Fighter meets Missile Command!  You team up as Dan Aykroyd who fights like a rich guy with special boxing powers and maybe fencing too, and Eddie Murphy who uses his wits and his scary powers of not being rich to intimidate his foes.  They collect stock market tokens along the way that their enemies drop when they get knocked out and at the end of each level the player invests in agricultural futures.  HOW HAS THIS NOT ALREADY BEEN MADE?

4.  My Girl 2 (1994)

The Movie - Speaking of Dan Aykroyd, why not the 1994 classic film My Girl 2?  Not the first one that's all about preteen angst or unicorns or whatever it was that was about, I'm talking about the sequel where the kid from the first movie goes to Los Angeles! If you're not familiar with the plot, they pretty much ripped the whole thing off in Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, and that wasn't until 7 years later, so you know this is going to be good.

My girl two.jpg

"My girl two" by The poster art can or could be obtained from Columbia Pictures.. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia.

The Video Game - Think Street Fighter meets Pac Man!  You run around as the girl and you fight big bosses who drop clues about what kind of person your dead mother who you never met was.  Then in the final battle you write an essay about her, which is then graded for style, punctuation, grammar and correct use of footnotes.  HINT: If you finish all the bonus rounds, you get a clear plastic duotang to put your essay in.  Automatic THREE GRADE BUMP!

3.  The Great Outdoors (1988)

The Movie - If you've never seen The Great Outdoors, I just don't even.  It's been out for over 25 years.  Kids were born, went to school, got married and have kids of their own and, what, you're too good to watch this movie?  Dan Aykroyd plays a guy that's rich that gives John Candy a hard time for not being as rich as he is, all against the backdrop of being outside! 

The Great Outdoors (film) Poster.jpg

"The Great Outdoors (film) Poster". Via Wikipedia.

The Video Game - Think Street Fighter meets The Ghostbusters Video Game.  It's like a puzzle game where you have to show how you can be better than the other players.  Every time you win, you win the adoration of your family.  Every time you lose, you go deeper in debt until you have to sell family heirlooms to meet your creditors.

2.  50 First Dates (2004)

The Movie - Dan Aykroyd plays a brain guy that tries to help Adam Sandler cope with Drew Barrymore's memory problems in 50 First Dates.  I don't care what anyone says, if Dan Aykroyd hadn't been there in that scene to explain what was going on in her noggin, the rest of the movie would have been really confusing.  I tried counting all the dates in the movie that they go on, but I think I missed some.
The Video Game - Think Mortal Kombat meets Street Fighter.  You walk around the hospital, collecting pieces of brains, then you put them back in people so they can fall in love and get married like real people.

1.  She's Having a Baby (1988)

The Movie - I know what you're thinking: "How many AWESOME movies did Dan Aykroyd make in 1988 anyway?"  The answer is five.  But this one is different than the others because where in the other movies he's like, in it, or something, in this one he's not in it at all until after the end of the movie!  And guess what?  He's playing the same character as in The Great Outdoors!  I mean, think about it, this character was so great that he got to be the secret level of a WHOLE OTHER MOVIE.  That's amazing right there.

The Video Game - I think we're all thinking the same thing.  Your move Atari.

And there you have it, five great movies that could be the next big video game franchise!  I know, I know, you're thinking that there is a theme here, right?  You'd be... right!  All of the movies had two people on the poster!