Thursday, September 29, 2016

What? MacGyver?

Thanks to Scott for telling me that this was happening.

I pulled up the commercial for the new MacGyver reboot and it looked like a glorious mess.  I couldn't even really see it that well, because it was on my phone in our breakroom, but I got the gist of it.  

I am not exactly a huge fanboy of the original series (though the fact that I have to call it "the original series" leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth), but I have fond memories.  I thought I would watch this new show, see what they thought was a suitable update of the MacGyver character, and write about it here.

I'm sure that there will be spoilers ahead, but I'm also guessing that if you're still reading this, you probably already have an opinion about this show.

Here we go!

Okay, I'm 12 seconds in and I've already paused it to write something down.

MacGyver in a tuxedo?  The only time that MacGyver was in a tuxedo, he was all antsy and looked like he needed to get out of it and back into his familiar leather jacket and blue jeans.  And what is with this car?  MacGyver's car never had gull-wing doors unless he made them.  I only know that's MacGyver because of the commercial - I probably would have made it further before stopping... maybe?

12 seconds. Wow.  Gotta keep an open mind about this.  

Here we go again.

Paused at 32 seconds.

Sigh.  Here's some character exposition so you know that this beautiful woman is super smart, but she's a sexy nerd and you can tell that because they're having sex on a computer keyboard!  Why is MacGyver doing this with his partner?  This has to be a record for shortest "will they/won't they" in television history.

70 seconds.  I need to stop doing this, or I'll never finish.

I just wanted to say that I forgot about CSI guy.  Holy crap, I just looked up CSI.  Did you know that it was on for 15 years?  Dang.  

I'm going to try to do the next part just as it comes to me without pausing.  Otherwise, I'll be here all night.

The voice over is killing me.

Wait, I have to pause here.  Was that a valet running in the background?  And he parked his own car?  What the?

Labels on everything?  OG MacGyver didn't have to label everything.  

If full handprint scanners can't protect against hacks, how on earth is Apple supposed to protect your phone with a thumb print?

I'm not even ten minutes into the show and I don't know if I can get any further.

OH SNAP! Vinnie Jones!  I'm back in!  And a... Ninja?  What?

...

Ugh.  halfway through.  Can I make it?  Oof I don't know.  This is like... the worst.

Finished it. And by that, I mean that I've finished watching it at about the 32 minute mark.  It's not very good.  At all.  Why did I do this?  

Honestly, they might as well have named this show the A-Team, it has that much to do with the original characters.  Or maybe Diff'rent Strokes.  Or maybe The Price Is Right.  

I'm going to bed.  Forget this happened.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Everything Is Trying To Kill My Child

That might be a slight exaggeration, but sometimes it sure feels like it.

Take for instance the nickel I gave her to put in the collection dog at the grocery store. We've been putting coins in the grocery store puppy for probably a year, so while I was fumbling with my wallet and the bags while my daughter was getting more and more restless I didn't even think about giving her the nickel to hold.

It wasn't until she had it in her fingers that my DadSense kicked in and I asked for it back.  While this made perfect sense from a "protect my child"perspective, it did nothing for the "protect my sanity" perspective.  She kicked into meltdown overdrive. I, of course, did the fatherly thing and tried to pry it out of her hand. After all, coins go into esophagi and kill your children.

The only thing this accomplished was to cement my child in the Guinness Book under "Grip, Strongest, Toddler with".  I'm trying to maneuver her and the cart to minimize the impact of the ensuing temper tantrum. I look up and for a moment I lock eyes with the man behind me.
In a perfect world, he would have been a father too, and he would nod and give me a look that spoke volumes. "Do what you got to do," would be the unspoken expression of solidarity, "I get it."

In a sightly less perfect version of this, he would give me a look that said "I'm not a father, but you have inspired me to settle down and have a bunch."

The look that I got was "You make children cry."  Maybe, but I keep them alive too!  

Another incident at another grocery store involved her running in front of the grocery cart.  Now, I bet you're thinking that I ran her over.  Ha ha on you, because I didn't.  At least, not this time that I'm telling you about.  She ran in front of the cart while it was stopped, then grabbed a hold of the front of the cart and started pulling it behind her.  Not a problem so long as you remember that you have to keep moving or stop the cart.

This was the day that she got her first lesson in momentum.

Of course, DadSemse had kicked in and I was reaching for the cart while this was happening.  I was too slow and only grabbed it as it hit her.  To the older lady that was just pulling into the aisle, it appeared that I was an inattentive father that was shoving full grocery carts into crying children lying on the floor.

Later on, in that same grocery store visit, as we were checking out (I say we, but really it was only the cashier and myself involved with the transaction - the kid had decided that the chain divider hanging under the conveyor belt was her new puppy and was petting it.  Whatever, she wasn't crying anymore and we only had to last as long as it took to get to the car.), she got up and darted past me.  Sadly, DadSense told me to check that she wasn't darting into immediate danger, and in doing so she tripped over my foot.

Second lesson in momentum, another new lesson in gravity, and a very, very special lesson in how Floor vs Face is always going to end poorly for Face.

And I, as is the way of such things, am doing my best to ignore the fact that the same lady that saw me hit her with a cart is the same lady that was behind me watching me trip my child.

You may be sensing a theme here.  You are correct, and you should thank your high school English teacher for the lessons they taught you in detecting themes in great literature.  A suitable subtitle for this post would be "Everything Is Trying To Kill My Child: At the Grocery Store".

Or maybe "Everything Is Trying To Kill My Child (And Pin It On Me)".

Or maybe an entirely different title: "DadSense Needs To Be a Little Faster".

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Frozen Chronicles

Okay, that was a bit of a spell. Over two years since my last post.

It's not like I didn't have anything to say.  No, wait, that's not exactly true.  I've had stuff to say, it's just that most of it has been of the "Stop squirming", "Don't put that in your mouth", "Don't throw that" variety.  Sadly, all of these things were said while changing a diaper and none of it was a memory that I wanted to keep.

I wrote this a while ago, in the midst of a Frozen infatuation that ran rampant through our house.  The infatuation is still here, but we just aren't watching the movie right now. It's almost like a reflex to turn it on...

The First Viewing (pre-daughter)
Well, that was okay. It wasn't the best Disney movie, but it wasn't the worst. I think it was probably somewhere in the middle. I should watch Aladdin again.

Second Viewing (with daughter a year later)
Wow, I can't believe she sat still for that long! I mean, sure she didn't understand anything that was going on, and it was just a mishmash of colour and sounds to her, but still.

Fourth Viewing (six months later)
Heh, she really likes this movie. There are some pretty funny parts now that I think about it. Wandering Oaken is hilarious.

Ninth Viewing (three weeks later)
Good Lord, why am I watching this again?  Oh right, her.  Sigh.  We might have to buy this movie if they take it off the movie network.

Twelfth Viewing (two weeks later)
I should not have joked about it going off the movie network.  Well, if I'm buying this, I'm buying the digital version so we can watch it wherever and there's no danger of it getting lost.

Fourteenth Viewing (one week later)
It's just amazing that they make the relationship between the two sisters so complicated. And the fact that Elsa wants nothing more than to protect her sister, and loves her so much that she's willing to cut off all contact with her... And then stays so strong as to hold back even with the death of their parents...

Seventeenth Viewing (four days later)
I mean, she's finally free, you know? Like, she can really express herself as an individual after years of being forced to repress and hide her true self... I just, I get it man. I have to make sure my little girl never has to feel like she should hide her special talents or what she can do...

Nineteenth Viewing (two days later)
It's not just hiding her special talents and abilities! It's who she IS. My daughter is never going to have to do that - she's going to know that love means accepting all of a person, and if anyone won't love her because of who she is... Well that's just ridiculous, look at this kid!

Twenty-Second Viewing (next day)
Buying this movie was the best investment I've ever made.  I'm going to buy shares in Disney. 

Twenty-Fourth Viewing (next day)
Sven is probably the best friend that anyone could ask for.

Twenty-Fifth Viewing (later that day)
Did you know that it's about one minute exactly from when Anna tells Olaf and Kristoff to wait outside for a minute before they come in?

Twenty-Seventh Viewing (the next day)
God this song makes me cry every time. Why is it so good?

Thirty-Something'th Viewing (time means nothing at this point)
"Love is an open door" means something totally different to the two of them!  It's a way out for her, and a way in for him! How did I not see that earlier?

Something-Something'th Viewing
"Wait, what?" is said six times. That means something...

Nth Viewing
This is one of the greatest movies ever made. How do they do it? Yoohoo family! So good.