Here is the text (identifying info redacted to protect, well, me) with my comments in italics.
Participating in XXXXX Start-up activities may involve travel or a shift in your normal routine.
Whether you’re walking between offices or walking to dinner, you [sic] XXXXX Team invites you to keep these safe behaviors in mind :
• Do not run – Unless you are being pursued by zombies, werewolves, cyborg assassins or are trying to catch a train that the love of your life is about to get on and leave you forever without knowing that it was only a series of misunderstandings that just made it look like you weren’t interested in him/her.
• Walk carefully and be alert – unless you are on fire, in which case you should stop walking and stop, drop and roll. You probably don’t want to be that aware of the situation come to think of it.
• Approach blind intersections cautiously – they are blind and may not be aware of your presence and tend to lash out when surprised. Make lots of noise.
• Hold handrails in stairways and on escalators – especially while you are planking, as you may fall when you get punched.
• When walking outside be alert for hazards (steps, curbs, ice, etc.) – it is a well-documented fact that people from Hazzard County are reckless drivers, moonshiners, and fire arrows with sticks of dynamite on them.
• Look both ways before crossing streets – unless you want to be truly safe, in which case you should not ignore danger coming straight at you or from behind. Furthermore, do not ignore the possibility of danger coming at you from the ground or the sky. Finally, be sure to look both forward and backward in time, as renegade agents are always looking for a way to disrupt the time stream and prevent you from becoming the rebel leader / savior of all civilization / cause of extinction event.
Stay safe everyone. There are only a few of you that read this blog on a regular basis, and I can't afford to lose any of you.