Sunday, December 6, 2020

Profile Picture

I originally started this blog as a joke about predicting the outcome of sports games while not knowing anything about sports.

I never thought, of all the things that I'd predicted, that my profile picture would be the one that hit closest to truth.

Tuesday, December 1, 2020

Cop Dream/Nightmare

I had a dream I was a new police detective.  I was assigned to a more experienced partner who was going to show me the ropes.

We go to a suspected criminals home, don't remember what he was supposed to have done, but we were there to check on him. His car is in the driveway and we approach it from either side. 

I look in through the passenger side window and don't see anything out of the ordinary. Then I hear the sound of the drivers door opening and look up to see what my partner is doing.

I see my partner and realize I'm in trouble. My partner is Michael Shannon.  I am probably going to die unpleasantly soon.

Sunday, November 29, 2020

Covidiots of FB

Here's one I've been seeing around FB.  Rather than type it out every time I see it, I'm just going to do it once and link to it when I need to!  Feel free to link to it if you'd like.


Copied from a friend’s FB page!
🤷‍♂️🙄😳🤪 covidiots . . .
Me AT RESTAURANT:
Hostess: ok, I can seat you at this table right here (4 feet away), but I will need you to wear a mask to the table.
Me: what happens when I get to the table?
Hostess: you can take off the mask.
Me: then it is safe over there?
Hostess: yes.
Me: are those fans blowing above the table? Is that the air-conditioning I feel? Is the air circulating in here?
Hostess: no words. Confused look.🤷‍♂️🙄😳

What you think you did: proved the safety measures put in place make no sense and triggered someone to start thinking for themselves.

What you actually did: proved to the employee who has no choice but to follow the rules that have been put in place because her paycheck depends on it that you're going to be one of those tables. Do you really think that she doesn't know that the air circulation in the closed environment is likely going to cause an outbreak? Of course she does. She's in that environment every day. And guess which person she is now concerned is going to cause that outbreak? Yep, the person who is vocally questioning the rules.

Her reaction isn't confusion. It's "If it wasn't for my kid I have to support, I'd give this person hell and quit right now." 

Also, if you've ever considered that being rude to the people who literally handle your food is a good idea, you should watch the movie Waiting.  

Back to the post:


Me AT GROCERY STORE:
Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?
Cashier: to protect people from Covid.
Me : but isn’t everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?
Cashier: no words. Confused look.
Me : Why Don't you pack the grocery bags anymore?
Cashier : Because of covid 19 to reduce the spread of catching or spreading the virus.
Me : But a shelf packer took it out of a box and put on the shelf, a few customers might of picked it up and put back deciding they Don't want it, I put it in my trolley then on the conveyer belt, YOU pick it up to scan it.. But putting it in a bag after you scan is risky??
Cashier : no words, confused look 🤷‍♂️🙄🤪

What you think you did: proved to the Cashier that they are being foolish believing that any of these things are going to protect anyone.

What you actually did: proved to the Cashier that you are clueless and self-centered. 

Here's a fun experiment! You'll need two things: your laptop and a big bottle of spray disinfectant.

  1. Spray your laptop with the disinfectant. Really get it in there, concentrate on the keyboard but don't forget the screen. Even if you don't believe that covid is real, your actual job depends on you spraying the living crap out of that laptop. 
  2. Wipe the keyboard and screen. Don't worry if this accidentally triggers an error message or reboots your laptop, just keep going.
  3. Do this every 5 minutes for 18 hours.
  4. After 18 hours, does your laptop still work? It does?  Okay, now repeat these steps for the next 6 months straight, do not stop. 
  5. Imagine if there was only some way to prevent all that spraying and wiping from interfering with the sensitive electronics, like some sort of protective plastic cover.
That's the clueless part. 

Do you really think that the Cashier, who does this for a living, isn't aware of the number of touchpoints every product they have to handle has gone through?  Do you think they aren't aware of every single person in that supply chain?  That's not a confused look they're giving you. That's them hoping that you aren't any part of the supply chain, and that you haven't been picking up and putting down products all through the store.

They have to have faith in the supply chain and in customers not handling the products.  And they can touch each product once. When you do get to a store that bags, watch them. Count how many times they have to touch each product vs your bag. Your bag wins every time, and every time they touch the bag, they increase the possibility that they are transferring Covid to you.

Do you know why some stores won't allow their cashiers to put things in the reusbags you bring? It's not to prevent you from getting Covid from them.  It's to prevent THEM from getting Covid from YOU.  Yes, you.  So thanks for pointing out to them that their lives are meaningless.

Back to the post:


Me AT DRIVE-THRU
Server: (holds a tray out the window with a bag of food for logical friend to grab)
Me: why is my bag of food on a tray?
Server: so I don’t touch your food because of Covid.
Me: didn’t the cook touch my food? Didn’t the person wrapping my food touch it and then touch it again when placing it in my bag? Didn’t you touch the bag and put it on the tray? Didn’t you touch the tray?
Server: no words. Confused look.🤷‍♂️🙄🤪

What you think you did: showed that drive-thru person who's the boss.

What you actually did: showed that drive-thru person that you have no idea how food safety works, nor the fact that these rules pre-existed Covid.

Yeah, the person who made and handles your food may have touched it.  Guess what they have to wear on their hands?  Gloves.  Guess what they have to constantly do?  Wash their hands.  Guess what they have to do?  Limit the number of times your food is physically touched by skin.  

They are trying to save you from the possibility that someone in their establishment has caught Covid and is passing it on. 

Back to the show:


ME AT COSTCO
Society; you must sanitize your hands and wear a mask or a face shield
Me; I always sanitize my hands, but if we are all wearing masks, and they protect us from the virus why are the numbers increasing?
Society; because people are not conforming.
Me; according to Hinshaw, 97% are complying so you are going to tell me the 3% who are not, it’s their fault? Wouldn’t that mean that your mask is broke?
Society; no words confused look🤷‍♂️🙄🤪

What you think you did: COSTCO? More like SHEEPLECO, right?

What you actually did: Proven that you are unaware of how protective and safety measures work.

People are dying in car accidents every day, therefore seat belts, air bags, speed limits and laws on how we drive vehicles are meaningless. 

Condoms prevent 98% of unwanted pregnancy and the spread of STD's. So might as well stop stop using those because 2% of the time they may not work.

Facemasks, shields and hand sanitizers are all way that we can help prevent the spread of the disease. But even with those measures in place, is it possible that someone could still spread it?  Sure. Just like everything else, there's a chance. But I bet if you ever find yourself in a situation where a car runs a red and hits you, you will probably wish that you had all that fancy schmancy safety equipment.

And, then:


Me in SOCIETY
Society ; If you cough or sneeze do it in your elbow or sleeve,
Also society : Don't shake hands or hug anyone or you will spread the virus..
To greet people do an elbow tap instead.
Me : Elbow tap ? Isn't that where you tell people to sneeze or cough? into their elbow? Now you want people to tap each other with that elbow wouldn't it be safer to sneeze into elbow and shake hands like we did before Covid
SOCIETY : You are not allowed to stand and drink at the pub or pokies you have to sit down.
But at the shopping centre you are not allowed to sit down, all the chairs are roped off.

What you think you did: proven that you are the last free thinking person who can use logic.

What you actually did: proven that you are totally unaware of how society, and the world, work.

First, that "vampire sneeze" came into effect years ago.  Waaaay before Covid. 

The elbow tap?  That was at the start of the pandemic. Nobody is telling anyone to use the elbow tap anymore. Everybody is doing the "don't touch anyone, and if you could touch somebody you are too close" rule now.

Why? So many reasons.  

Our knowledge of how things work change.  Remember when time was measured by the sun?  We have atomic clocks now.  Remember when we all thought it was okay to have unprotected sexual relations with multiple people?  Remember when there was a very high probability that the mother and the baby would both die during childbirth because doctors didn't believe in washing their hands?

But also because people are resistant to change, especially behavioral changes. If you think they aren't, just watch the next time that a new stop sign or traffic light is installed. It takes weeks for people to start noticing that they can't just blow through those intersections.

WHY ARE YOU GOING TO BARS RIGHT NOW? You know how many lives are ruined because of bad decisions made by drunk people in public, and you want to add Covid to that? You know why you have to stay seated in bars?  Because drunk ass people can't be trusted not to move around.  And the more you move around, and yes, I'm talking about your drunk ass in particular, the more you are exposing yourself to the very real possibility that you're going to catch and/or spread this disease. 

You know why you can't sit in stores?  Because stores don't want to pay for disinfecting that seat every time you leave it. Small businesses are already crumbling because everyone is buying from Amazon.  You think they can afford to have someone disinfect a chair every time you move? Because that's what they'd have to do to stay open. Why do you hate small business?  

Finally:


Who thinks this shit up?
Life is hard for logical people right now. We are being raised without the ability to process and execute logic
Common sense is not very common

You.  You who are spreading this garbage and thinking that you've proven everyone is overreacting and people are silly for doing these things.  You are thinking this shit up and you should be ashamed.

And so should you for spreading this. You are not thinking logically. You are thinking narrowly. 

Notice that none of the people in the examples given in this post are people who are involved with the decision making process. In fact, all of them are probably making minimum wage and hating it. Do you think that everyone trying their best to follow and keep up with the rules loves it? I have never woken up on a Monday morning and thought "Boy oh boy! I can't wait to go through the guidelines again and hope that my 7-year-old daughter is going to be safe all day!  I sure hope that there's something new to do!"

But I would one million percent do this every day if it means that my friends and family are still going to be healthy and alive next week, next month, and next year.  

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Horton Wasn't the Only One to Hear a Who!

My whole life is a lie.

Okay, maybe not the whole thing. Parts of it. Small parts. Parts that I didn't know I had. No, wait, that doesn't sound...

If you haven't read the book "Horton Hears a Who" (and I'm going to segue here to say how interesting it is that I only had to type 'Horton' and my auto suggest came up with the rest of the title; I find that fascinating and terrifying), the premise is that an elephant named Horton hears a very small sound and discovers a civilization of microscopic creatures called the Whos. He is the only creature in the jungle to believe that the Whos exist, and all the other animals spend the book trying to get him to admit they aren't real and also killing the Whos.

It all boils down to the phrase "A person's a person, no matter how small", which is repeated enough that you understand that this is an important lesson, but not so often that you wish Uncle Ben hadn't died so Spider-Man would stop flashing back to it so often.

It's a heartwarming book and I don't really remember it growing up. This was probably because my parents have good taste and realized it wasn't a great book. Oh, call the police, I don't like a Dr Seuss book. Face it, it's no "And to Think I Saw It On Mulberry Street". It doesn't matter what I think anymore because my daughter loves it, so I'm putting my time in now hoping that I won't have to read Twilight later.

So, imagine my surprise when I discover that there is a shadowy element to this book. A single line that changes everything, and puts a darker spin on almost everything that happens to Horton. Before you read any further... SPOILER ALERT.

Here's a page from around the middle of the book:


This is the first time that the Mayor of Who-ville has identified himself as the Mayor and as a Who. Previous to this, Horton's just sort of yelling at this tiny voice coming from a speck of dust. 

The next page introduces us to a bunch of monkeys called the Wickersham brothers. They are in league with a really mean kangaroo for the duration of the story, doing the kangaroos dirty work. 


They are very mean monkeys. But they're even worse than your kid thinks.

The conflict of the story centers on the fact that only Horton can hear the Whos. It's right there in the title. None of the other animals can hear them, so they believe Horton has made it up and punish him for it. Really terrible things. It's a whole big thing. And through all the trials and tribulations, Horton keeps going on with his claims that he knows the Whos exist and that they deserve to live.

And right through to the end, the Wickersham Brothers (and cousins, etc) are right there, persecuting poor Horton. Because nobody can hear the Whos except for Horton.

And the Wickersam Brothers.

They MUST have heard the Whos. Because Horton never says "Who" or "Mayor". Only the Mayor of Who-ville says that.

The Wickersham Brothers know the Whos are real, but they participate in the persecution of Horton along with the other animals because it's fun. Only after the Whos finally prove their existence to the Kangaroo do they stop. The final scene of the book is a picture of Kangaroo and Horton bonding over a shared goal of protecting the Whos. But there's no Wickersham Brothers.

The real lesson of the book isn't what Horton keep saying over and over. And it's not that if you believe in something hard enough your belief will eventually win over others. And it isn't about perseverance in the face of adversity or the power of knowing yourself or any of that.  

I think the real lesson of this book is sometimes people will do bad things to you because it's easy and it's fun and confronting them head on will only make it worse. Sometimes, the only way to get people to stop doing bad things to you is to get allies and to know you are not alone. The minute the Kangaroo expresses belief in the Whos, the Wickersham Brothers disappear.

That or monkeys are just a bunch of jerks.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Writing prompt - I can't believe I have to point this out



"You're not going to believe this, but my dang ferrets chewed through my iPhone cable!"

"Oh, that sucks. How's it look?"

"They literally chewed the cover off the cable."

"If they just chewed the cover off, you might still be able to use it."

"You think? Hold on, I'll send you a pic."

...

"Let me know when you get it."

"Got it. Wow, they really what the hell is that Denise?!"

"It's bad isn't it? Damn it. I'm going to have to drive all the way back to the mall to get one."

"Denise. Forget the cable, what is that on your feet!"

"What?"

"I swear to god, what is wrong with you? How many times do I have to tell you: Sandals are not slippers!"

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Writing Prompt - House Party



"Guys, guys," Shelly said. "Come on, I want to take a picture!"

"Come on, Shelly, do we have to?" Blake asked. He hated getting his picture taken because his smile always made him look a little awkward.

"Yes, we have to! Come on, when are we going to see each other again?"

"In class next semester?" Tony joked. He often joked a little more than the others, and secretly hoped that they thought of him as the clown of the group instead of, well, something else.

"Ha ha, Tony. Coooooome oooooon, stop messing around! Kyle! Come over here! We're taking a picture!"

"That's cool."

"Hey Kyle, nice tie. Where'd you get it, your dad's closet?"

"No, Tony, this is mine."

"Greg! Nikolai!" Shelly waved them over. "You guys gotta come and stand here for the picture!"

"I am happy to picture be in."

"Nikolai, your accent is soooo awesome!"

"Nice beard Greg, where'd you get it-"

"That's like the third time you've said that to me today."

"HOLY SNAP!" All the guys winced as Shelly screamed. "Is that Evan! Evan! You look AWESOME!" Everyone had to agree: Evan was looking pretty awesome today. Without being weird about it, they knew that he was the best looking of them all.

"Okay, you stand over here! We're taking a picture. Jenny! Can you take our picture?" Shelly thrust her phone in Jenny's hands.

"Sure, I guess." Jenny was cute, but shy. Blake had had a crush on her since they'd met at the start of the semester. "Great," he thought, "I don't want to smile too much, or she'll think I'm a dork. But I don't want to not smile in case she doesn't think I'm fun. I'll just roll up my sleeves, then she'll think I'm more relaxed than I am."

Shelly put her arm around Tony, who reacted by putting his arm around her.  Unfortunately, at that moment, Kyle also put his arm around Shelly. Their hands met for the briefest of moments behind her back before they both pulled back.

Kyle thought "Great, what am I supposed to do with my hands now?"

Tony thought "Great, does Kyle know I like him?"

"Okay everyone, smile. Greg, I can't see you. Tony, Shelly, squeeze together. Greg, can you lean forward? Nikolai, I can't see you, can you lean - perfect. Greg, you're in a shadow so move over. Blake, can you, um, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm righteous," he replied, dying a little more inside.

"Evan, you look soooo good. Okay, everyone, on the count of - Greg, come on, I can't see you, you're all dark back there. Wait, is that supposed to be a beard?"

"Jenny, just take the picture!"

"Fine! On the count of three! Greg, I still can't see you - okay real mature. One...Two...Three!" CLICK "Frankenstein! You totally just walked into the picture!" She looked at the picture on the screen. "And you walked in front of Evan!"

"Aw, Frankenstein!" Everyone moaned.

"Frankenstein blending in! Frankenstein just regular student like everyone else!"

"Oh Frankenstein," Shelly shook her head and rolled her eyes. "You're, like, some kind of zombie or something."

"Frankenstein...sad."

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Superbowl 2018 Sport Prediction!

Eagles VS Patriots (on Vikings home turf)

This one is easy.  Eagles win. Why? 

Patriots are great, they're the best. Bigly. Everyone knows it, I've talked to the best sports people and everyone says it. That was my impression of what goes through my head when people talk about Patriots right now. Basically, I'm saying that it's hard to be a Patriot right now. There's just too much political baggage. What happens if they win? The President has to invite them to the White House. They'll have to go, because Patriotism. But then it's going to be awkward, because you just know you're going to have to get a picture with him. And then he'll make a comment about how happy he is that you won and not the other team which is full of and the whole time you're thinking that your kid heard that and you're going to have some explaining to do when you get home.

Let's not forget the game is on the Viking's home turf. Eagles are proud, soaring birds of prey. While territorial, they don't hold artificial borders like the Patriots. Everything looks basically the same when you're a thousand feet in the air. The Patriots will be awkward and out of sorts. They'll be saying things like "Oh, that's a nice scoreboard, but we have a better one back home" or "I can't believe a hot dog and beer cost $85, that's $5 more than you'd pay back home" or "I don't know how how people live here". Some of them will probably have Canadian flags stitched on their bags, just in case. You never know about foreign places, right?

None of that really makes a difference though. Not when you consider that the Patriots won't have it in them to attack one of the symbols they hold so dear. What can a Patriot do but stand in awe while the very embodiment of freedom blows past them to score a touchdown point? Is a true Patriot going to tackle an Eagle carrying a ball to the touchdown place Big Square Y thing score zone and risk injuring even one single feather?

Honestly, this Superbowl might as well be called the Only Grandchild VS The Grandparents (at Toys R Us).