Thursday, September 29, 2016

What? MacGyver?

Thanks to Scott for telling me that this was happening.

I pulled up the commercial for the new MacGyver reboot and it looked like a glorious mess.  I couldn't even really see it that well, because it was on my phone in our breakroom, but I got the gist of it.  

I am not exactly a huge fanboy of the original series (though the fact that I have to call it "the original series" leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth), but I have fond memories.  I thought I would watch this new show, see what they thought was a suitable update of the MacGyver character, and write about it here.

I'm sure that there will be spoilers ahead, but I'm also guessing that if you're still reading this, you probably already have an opinion about this show.

Here we go!

Okay, I'm 12 seconds in and I've already paused it to write something down.

MacGyver in a tuxedo?  The only time that MacGyver was in a tuxedo, he was all antsy and looked like he needed to get out of it and back into his familiar leather jacket and blue jeans.  And what is with this car?  MacGyver's car never had gull-wing doors unless he made them.  I only know that's MacGyver because of the commercial - I probably would have made it further before stopping... maybe?

12 seconds. Wow.  Gotta keep an open mind about this.  

Here we go again.

Paused at 32 seconds.

Sigh.  Here's some character exposition so you know that this beautiful woman is super smart, but she's a sexy nerd and you can tell that because they're having sex on a computer keyboard!  Why is MacGyver doing this with his partner?  This has to be a record for shortest "will they/won't they" in television history.

70 seconds.  I need to stop doing this, or I'll never finish.

I just wanted to say that I forgot about CSI guy.  Holy crap, I just looked up CSI.  Did you know that it was on for 15 years?  Dang.  

I'm going to try to do the next part just as it comes to me without pausing.  Otherwise, I'll be here all night.

The voice over is killing me.

Wait, I have to pause here.  Was that a valet running in the background?  And he parked his own car?  What the?

Labels on everything?  OG MacGyver didn't have to label everything.  

If full handprint scanners can't protect against hacks, how on earth is Apple supposed to protect your phone with a thumb print?

I'm not even ten minutes into the show and I don't know if I can get any further.

OH SNAP! Vinnie Jones!  I'm back in!  And a... Ninja?  What?

...

Ugh.  halfway through.  Can I make it?  Oof I don't know.  This is like... the worst.

Finished it. And by that, I mean that I've finished watching it at about the 32 minute mark.  It's not very good.  At all.  Why did I do this?  

Honestly, they might as well have named this show the A-Team, it has that much to do with the original characters.  Or maybe Diff'rent Strokes.  Or maybe The Price Is Right.  

I'm going to bed.  Forget this happened.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Everything Is Trying To Kill My Child

That might be a slight exaggeration, but sometimes it sure feels like it.

Take for instance the nickel I gave her to put in the collection dog at the grocery store. We've been putting coins in the grocery store puppy for probably a year, so while I was fumbling with my wallet and the bags while my daughter was getting more and more restless I didn't even think about giving her the nickel to hold.

It wasn't until she had it in her fingers that my DadSense kicked in and I asked for it back.  While this made perfect sense from a "protect my child"perspective, it did nothing for the "protect my sanity" perspective.  She kicked into meltdown overdrive. I, of course, did the fatherly thing and tried to pry it out of her hand. After all, coins go into esophagi and kill your children.

The only thing this accomplished was to cement my child in the Guinness Book under "Grip, Strongest, Toddler with".  I'm trying to maneuver her and the cart to minimize the impact of the ensuing temper tantrum. I look up and for a moment I lock eyes with the man behind me.
In a perfect world, he would have been a father too, and he would nod and give me a look that spoke volumes. "Do what you got to do," would be the unspoken expression of solidarity, "I get it."

In a sightly less perfect version of this, he would give me a look that said "I'm not a father, but you have inspired me to settle down and have a bunch."

The look that I got was "You make children cry."  Maybe, but I keep them alive too!  

Another incident at another grocery store involved her running in front of the grocery cart.  Now, I bet you're thinking that I ran her over.  Ha ha on you, because I didn't.  At least, not this time that I'm telling you about.  She ran in front of the cart while it was stopped, then grabbed a hold of the front of the cart and started pulling it behind her.  Not a problem so long as you remember that you have to keep moving or stop the cart.

This was the day that she got her first lesson in momentum.

Of course, DadSemse had kicked in and I was reaching for the cart while this was happening.  I was too slow and only grabbed it as it hit her.  To the older lady that was just pulling into the aisle, it appeared that I was an inattentive father that was shoving full grocery carts into crying children lying on the floor.

Later on, in that same grocery store visit, as we were checking out (I say we, but really it was only the cashier and myself involved with the transaction - the kid had decided that the chain divider hanging under the conveyor belt was her new puppy and was petting it.  Whatever, she wasn't crying anymore and we only had to last as long as it took to get to the car.), she got up and darted past me.  Sadly, DadSense told me to check that she wasn't darting into immediate danger, and in doing so she tripped over my foot.

Second lesson in momentum, another new lesson in gravity, and a very, very special lesson in how Floor vs Face is always going to end poorly for Face.

And I, as is the way of such things, am doing my best to ignore the fact that the same lady that saw me hit her with a cart is the same lady that was behind me watching me trip my child.

You may be sensing a theme here.  You are correct, and you should thank your high school English teacher for the lessons they taught you in detecting themes in great literature.  A suitable subtitle for this post would be "Everything Is Trying To Kill My Child: At the Grocery Store".

Or maybe "Everything Is Trying To Kill My Child (And Pin It On Me)".

Or maybe an entirely different title: "DadSense Needs To Be a Little Faster".

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Frozen Chronicles

Okay, that was a bit of a spell. Over two years since my last post.

It's not like I didn't have anything to say.  No, wait, that's not exactly true.  I've had stuff to say, it's just that most of it has been of the "Stop squirming", "Don't put that in your mouth", "Don't throw that" variety.  Sadly, all of these things were said while changing a diaper and none of it was a memory that I wanted to keep.

I wrote this a while ago, in the midst of a Frozen infatuation that ran rampant through our house.  The infatuation is still here, but we just aren't watching the movie right now. It's almost like a reflex to turn it on...

The First Viewing (pre-daughter)
Well, that was okay. It wasn't the best Disney movie, but it wasn't the worst. I think it was probably somewhere in the middle. I should watch Aladdin again.

Second Viewing (with daughter a year later)
Wow, I can't believe she sat still for that long! I mean, sure she didn't understand anything that was going on, and it was just a mishmash of colour and sounds to her, but still.

Fourth Viewing (six months later)
Heh, she really likes this movie. There are some pretty funny parts now that I think about it. Wandering Oaken is hilarious.

Ninth Viewing (three weeks later)
Good Lord, why am I watching this again?  Oh right, her.  Sigh.  We might have to buy this movie if they take it off the movie network.

Twelfth Viewing (two weeks later)
I should not have joked about it going off the movie network.  Well, if I'm buying this, I'm buying the digital version so we can watch it wherever and there's no danger of it getting lost.

Fourteenth Viewing (one week later)
It's just amazing that they make the relationship between the two sisters so complicated. And the fact that Elsa wants nothing more than to protect her sister, and loves her so much that she's willing to cut off all contact with her... And then stays so strong as to hold back even with the death of their parents...

Seventeenth Viewing (four days later)
I mean, she's finally free, you know? Like, she can really express herself as an individual after years of being forced to repress and hide her true self... I just, I get it man. I have to make sure my little girl never has to feel like she should hide her special talents or what she can do...

Nineteenth Viewing (two days later)
It's not just hiding her special talents and abilities! It's who she IS. My daughter is never going to have to do that - she's going to know that love means accepting all of a person, and if anyone won't love her because of who she is... Well that's just ridiculous, look at this kid!

Twenty-Second Viewing (next day)
Buying this movie was the best investment I've ever made.  I'm going to buy shares in Disney. 

Twenty-Fourth Viewing (next day)
Sven is probably the best friend that anyone could ask for.

Twenty-Fifth Viewing (later that day)
Did you know that it's about one minute exactly from when Anna tells Olaf and Kristoff to wait outside for a minute before they come in?

Twenty-Seventh Viewing (the next day)
God this song makes me cry every time. Why is it so good?

Thirty-Something'th Viewing (time means nothing at this point)
"Love is an open door" means something totally different to the two of them!  It's a way out for her, and a way in for him! How did I not see that earlier?

Something-Something'th Viewing
"Wait, what?" is said six times. That means something...

Nth Viewing
This is one of the greatest movies ever made. How do they do it? Yoohoo family! So good.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Well, that's spammy

For some reason, in the last couple of weeks, the comments section of The Blognostifier has become a target for spammers.  Seriously, there were something like 2-5 spam comments from the same "person" being added to various posts every minute for a few minutes, then nothing until a day or two later, then the same thing.

It was weird.  I've gotten the occasional piece of spam on the site every so often, but now it seems to be a dedicated target.  Maybe I finally cracked some level of site visitation?

Anyway, I'm shutting down the comments for a little while, just to see if it helps.

Hope you have a great day (unless you're a spammer, in which case I wish you would go somewhere else please).

Monday, November 24, 2014

Coffee and Naps

The most significant change for me since becoming a father has probably been napping and coffee.

I mean, you know, aside from the unconditional love and constant stress about whether I'm doing a good job and how we're going to pay for her university education and speaking of education should we enroll her in private school or should we just find tutors or maybe that's too much pressure and we should just let her play and be a kid but we still have to provide guidance and do whatever we can to get her on a path with all the opportunities she'll need to be happy and successful in whatever she should decide to do with her life. Besides all that, coffee and naps.

I did not like napping. It felt like the worst thing ever, waking up from a nap. And you lose so much time that could be used playing or reading or doing anything else interesting besides sleeping. Naps were my enemy, and I avoided them as much as possible. Now, not a day goes by that I don't dream about taking a nap.

I feel bad for what probably happened to the bunny.
Just to get an extra 20 minutes of uninterrupted sleep in the middle of the day... Heavenly. I'm not sure how much of my newfound love and respect for the nap has to do with the fact that if I'm not napping, that time would now be used for dishes or laundry or getting groceries. The video game time is still there, it's just more guilt ridden now than ever before.

Naps now represent small slices of time when I know that everything is okay. RG is asleep, or My Lovely Wife has her entertained or occupied and I know that I can relax without fearing for her safety. Those slices become super important sanity checks I think.  New parent tip: sometimes you have to take the nap, even when you have to do a thousand other things.

And that brings me to coffee. Sweet vanilla hazelnut I am a convert. I mean, I could stop whenever I want, but I'll feel like a sack of garbage when I do. A big old tired sack of garbage. There was a time when I drank a half-coffee/half-hot chocolate (I can't call it a mochachino because I didn't put whip cream on it or pay $5 for it), but only at work.  I am up to two cups in the morning on weekdays plus an afternoon cup on the weekends. A big thank you to my friends at Keurig. They aren't really my friends, I don't know them personally, but I feel that the work they have done puts them on the same level as the people that make the internet work. I don't know who you are, but I think you should be given accolades on a regular basis.

I used to make fun of coffee drinkers. It's true. I would raise my nose just a little when they would all huddle around the carafe at work, with desperate eyes watching for the last drop to fall. I thought I was better than they were. Come to think of it, I guess I still do. After all, I'm only drinking this because I was up early with my daughter. They were probably all out at the bar disappointing their parents. Disgraceful.

What does that say about me that the two things that have most changed are that I need more sleep and that I caffeine to function? I guess that it says I'm a father.

And now RG's nap is over and I used it all up writing this. Dang it. I could have had a great nap.  I guess that's the thing though - if you can't have a nap, you can have a cup of coffee.

How about you guys? Anyone have any tips on how to best maximize the coffee/nap ratio?

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Has It Really Been Three Years?

I was recently reminded that it's been three years since I went viral with the snowblower ad. That in turn reminded me that it has been a long time since I wrote anything. So here I am, without anything of value or interest to pass on to you, my adoring fan.

Hi Mom!

Just kidding, I know that more than my mother reads this. There's at least still a half dozen of you that check back every once in a while to be disappointed that I haven't updated.

No excuses other than that a full time job (work) plus a career (raising our daughter) has left me bereft of time and energy to pour into this. I miss it, I really do. But I fear that in going to fall into that slippery slope and become another parent blogger.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Maybe I should just embrace it? What do you think?

I'll give it a try. It can't hurt to at least get back to writing. Though you are only supposed to write about what you know, and if there's one thing I'm sure if it's that we're making this up as we go.

Okay, stay tuned. Parent blogging coming right up.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Not Funny Post

Dear Lucky Anonymous People That Drove By Us On the Shediac Road,

I want you to immediately go to the nearest corner store or gas station and purchase lottery tickets for all of the draws this week. Lotto Max, 6/49, Atlantic, don't forget to get Tag. Buy some Crosswords and Set For Life and any other scratch tickets you can get your hands on. Today is your lucky day.

It occurs to me that you are probably under the legal age to buy tickets. If that's the case, take a moment to consider that today is your turning point. Today is the day that despite all the poor decisions that you've made in your short life, the universe has handed you a chance to turn it all around.

I hope that you remember us. I hope that you remember the moment that you saw a family walking on the sidewalk along the Shediac Road, and decided that you needed to do something to impress your friends. I hope that we weren't just some random synapse in your brain, and that you carry this moment with you for years to come. Because, as I said, today is your lucky day.

I imagine that you probably just came back from the beach, where you maybe had a few drinks, and you just happened to have a bag of chocolate chip cookies. Maybe you'd been munching on them all the way back from Shediac, and you had just said "Ugh, if I eat one more cookie, I'm going to throw up". But you had one last cookie in your hand. What to do? You couldn't eat it - if you did, your friends would probably make fun of you. That would be awful, wouldn't it?

Or maybe you were fighting with your friend over who got to eat the cookie, and in your struggles, you ended up losing the cookie. Or it was your friends that were fighting over the cookie and you'd had enough of their bickering.

Perhaps you had just had a really bad day, and in your whole life, nobody had said to you "when you're having a bad day, don't take it out on other people".

Or, saddest of all, maybe you saw a family out for a walk and you said to your friends "Watch this."

Whatever the case, the cookie that you threw didn't hit me, and it didn't hit my wife. But it did hit my infant daughter. And you know what? It doesn't matter that it was just a cookie. Because you threw something from a car on the Shediac Road - where everyone does at least 60 km/h - and YOU HIT MY DAUGHTER IN THE HEAD.

And here is where today is your lucky day. You didn't hit my child in the face. You didn't take out one, or both, of her eyes. You didn't scar her for life. You didn't hit her in the temple and give her brain damage or kill her. And before you shrug that off, I want you to really think about what it would have meant if you had actually killed my child. Can you even imagine what that means? Can you imagine if you had killed someone and just kept on driving?

We couldn't tell which of the cars speeding past you were in. I assume that you were in the car blasting the rap music with the windows down, but that's just an assumption. We have no proof, and we have literally no way of tracking you down. You got away with the perfect crime. Bravo. It could have been so much worse. My daughter suffered nothing more than a small bump and a big scare. Her amazing mother is doing everything exactly right to keep her on schedule and to keep her father from being a crazy man.

So instead of taking my anger and lashing out at you, the best I can do is post this on facebook and ask people to share it around. If the whole six degrees of separation thing works, and enough people share this, you will eventually see it.

I know this was a long post, but I'd like to think that it found you. I would like to think that when you read this, you get nauseous realizing how close you came to destroying everything beautiful and wonderful and amazing in my life. And I hope that the next time you find yourself in a situation where you could do good or you could do harm that you make the right choice.

Because the next time, you might not be lucky. And neither will someone else.