Monday, January 27, 2014

My Loss Is Your Gain: Part 1

I missed the cutoff for the top ten in the CBC Open Mic contest.  I'm not bitter, not at all.  My fault - I wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be and I misjudged the level of competition that would be gunning for it.  Ah, well, there's always next year!

Instead, I'm going to take the notes I was preparing for the show and turn them into posts.  I think, in a way, that's even better since I'm making almost $0.01 a day in advertising revenue so I need to entice as many of you to come back as possible.  I don't know how many posts this will come out to, it was going to be a less than 7 minute stand up set, but this totally appeals to my lazy side.  I'm thinking at least three or four articles.  Here's My Loss Is Your Gain: Part 1!

This is the script that I used for my entry.  I assume some of you didn't hear it on account of I'm not in the top ten.  But I'm not bitter.  I hope you choke on it though.

When it comes to shopping, I'm not what you would call a “browser”.  If I have to buy something, I figure out what I need, I go to the store that sells it, and then I'm done.
Most of the time, that works, but not long ago I see a store having a sale on leather jackets.  I've never owned a leather jacket and I don’t feel like a leather jacket kind of guy, but half off is half off, so I'm considering it.  I'm looking at these jackets when I hear one of those coughs.  You know the “-Cough- I can’t keep my feelings of disapproval to myself, so I need you to ask me why I'm making these noises that sort of sound like I'm coughing up a tiny angry kitten” kind of coughs. 
I look up and make eye contact, which is a mistake, because that’s as good as me saying “please tell me your feelings on my business.”    
She asks “you’re not thinking of buying that are you?” 
My response should have been “No, I just like to look at things that I don’t want.  It saves me money and makes me feel good about myself.”  But I'm a nice guy, or at least that’s what all my neighbours and family will say after they find the bodies.  So I say “Sure, why not?”
That was not the right answer.  She gets really worked up on the cruelty of leather and products made from animals.  She finishes with “Do you know how many cows died so they could make these jackets?” 
“All of them, I hope.”  I mean otherwise, that’s just evil.  Can you imagine if that’s how it worked?  Cows walking around with jacket sized cut outs in them.  Would it be worse to have one extra large jacket cut out, or like two smalls?  Would the cows that ended up in the butt-less chaps section get made fun of?   
Anyway, that was the day that I learned that when I shop online I can’t let my wife see what I'm looking at.

You know, now the more I look at that font, the more I like it.  Maybe I'll change the default for the site... Come on back, I"ll have more later this week!  I'll see if I can stretch this out to Feb 5, the date that I would have been on stage... you know, if I'd gotten in and everything.

Maybe a little bitter.  ;)

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