Friday, January 31, 2014

My Loss Is Your Gain Part 3

Part 3 of my notes that would have eventually been my act, but it's not, so I'm writing it here.  Enjoy!  Or don't!  The difference here is that if you heckle me, you have to log in.  I still might not be able to find you, but I can certainly say blistering things to your username.  Very blistering.  Be nice.  Have a laugh.

My wife and I are new parents and we discovered something.  Nobody is as judgemental as new parents.  Parents in general are pretty judgemental, but parents with new infants?  We are the worst.  If you don't believe me, just go to the mall.  Any time you see two strollers approaching from opposite directions, all you'll see is smiles, nods, and thumbs up.  As soon as those strollers are past each other?  We all question every single decision the other parent has made, and I'm talking going right back to conception.  

But it's all right, because we are new parents, and new parents get to do that kind of thing with impunity.  Parents of older children do the same thing, but they don't say anything right out loud because older children will repeat everything you say, and at the wrong time.  You have a giant battle to get your kid to say "Mama" or "Daddy", and then they come out with "My parents say you're an unfit mother" when meeting your boss for the first time.

We loved the diapers with the stripe that comes up blue when your baby is wet.  You know what we've learned from this diaper?  Our baby has a wet diaper.  Here's some late breaking news for all new parents - your baby is wet.  If you have a baby, and they aren't wet, you've probably done something wrong.  If you feed your baby, and you should, it's part of the deal, you will have a dirty diaper.  I'm not saying that you're a bad parent if you need a blue stripe to tell you that your baby's diaper needs changing, but I am suggesting that you may be surprised by the microwave beeping.

And did you know that there is a diaper that will send you a text message or an email to let you know when your child's diaper needs changing?  It's true.  Who is this product aimed at?  If I'm far enough away that I need a text message to let me know that my baby has just wet her diaper, what exactly am I going to do about it?  Call my wife?  "Hi, honey, just wanted to let you know that the baby needs changing.  Oh, blue stripe?  Okay good."   I once went a week without answering an email from my boss - and I was getting PAID to clean up his crap!

I'm exaggerating of course - I wouldn't call my wife.  I'd forward her the text though.

Have you seen the movie "Babies"?  They follow these babies from around the world and it's amazing.  I really recommend checking it out, it's on Netflix (as of today).  There is a scene in this movie where a baby has a dirty bum and the mother wipes him off on her knee.  I don't know if that registered with you, so I'm going to say it again: ON HER KNEE.  Then she used a corn cob to wipe off her knee.  And then she registered the time and consistency in an app on her iPhone.  As a point of contrast, I got a bit of poo on my hand changing my daughter and I had to use CLR to make sure that I got it all off.  

Hope you enjoyed Part 3 of my MLIYG special presentation!

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