If I was a reporter, I'd write news like this.

I'd get fired quickly, I'm sure. But thankfully, the Internet will always be there for me. Won't you Internet? Yes, you will.

Anyway, this story is so overwhelmingly delightful I needed to share it with you all.

Fair warning, this story has adult content may not be considered appropriate for minors. Or sharps. (That was a musical pun, get it?)