Monday, July 5, 2010

The sad truth about the impending zombie apocalypse

I like zombies.  Not in the same way that some people are enjoying the current incarnation of vampires - there's not much, but I do have some self respect.

I've always enjoyed a good zombie movie, and I've tolerated more than my fair share of bad ones.  I've read The Walking Dead and World War Z.  Like many of my fellow geeks out there, I like to believe that I would recognize the signs of an impending zombie apocalypse and that I'd be ready to do what needs to be done.

But it's time to face facts.

I am not in great physical condition.  Mentally, I'm all over it.  But if I need to run for extended periods of time (say, further than from my front door to the ice cream truck), I get winded.  Additionally, there will be a need to be able to carry a lot of supplies and equipment.  I'm not obese, but I am overweight and none of it is muscle.  Before I have to deal with any zombies knocking on my walls, I'll need to get a good exercise program started. 

There's also the whole "I'm nearly blind" thing.  I'd need to buy a bunch of pairs of back up glasses just in case.  My contacts are great and all, but anyone who wears contacts knows that you can't depend on them all the time.  Eventually, one will fall out, or you'll run out of solution, or one will rip... No, I'll need back up glasses.  And they're expensive. Since my benefits only cover new glasses every 24 months, I'll need to hold on for a while.

But those are things that I can overcome.  I can get healthier.  I can buy extra glasses.  The things I can't do?

My food rules  
I don't eat any meat that came from an animal that has more or fewer limbs than I do.  I also don't eat anything "yucky". I am nowhere near as picky an eater as I used to be, but I still don't like anything that I consider icky.  And that's usually anything that's put in front of me that I don't immediately recognize.  I am getting better, but I just can't eat seafood.  Or bugs.  Gak.

It's okay though, because eating will only make me have to use the -

Bathroom
I need a private facility.  With running water.  And that is clean.  Outhouses are none of these things, no matter how much you tell me they are.  It makes me queasy thinking about it. Not Monk level queasy, but up there.

If I could make my own fortress, I'd build a private bathroom for myself.  But I can't, because you see I -

Lack practical skills
I am not a practical man.  I am not a carpenter or a soldier or a mechanic or a hunter or a farmer or an electrician or plumber or doctor or nurse or policeman or inventor or cowboy or construction worker or architect or athlete or a scientist or a chemist or a pharmacist or anything that might have some practical application in a world overrun by the dead.

If you need a formula for a spreadsheet, I may be your man. I could help you with some TV show plots, and I'm pretty good at movie trivia. I've got a bad feeling that my role in a zombie apocalypse would be as "dead weight", "bait" or "expendable".  This will only lead to shouting and that's a problem because of my -

Attitude
I've got a bit of an attitude issue.  Hard to believe, right?  But when someone tells me to do something and I don't think it needs to be done, well... I'm probably going to get yelled at.  When you're being overrun by a horde of the living dead, you don't want someone questioning why you need more ammo.  Why would I assume I'd only be carrying ammo?  Because I've -

Never used a weapon
I picked up a bow and arrow in high school. I kind of messed around with a broom handle as a bow after watching Robin Hood when I was six.  I think I picked up a fencing foil back in university on a dare.  I held an old tommy gun that had been converted into a prop.  But I've never used a weapon.  I've never fired a gun.  I'm sure that most of the weapons that people will be using will be improvised anyway; a headshot will down a zombie, but it the noise it makes just attracts more.

Oh!  I did once pick up a hatchet.  And I hit myself in the face with it.  True story.  Didn't do any damage, just had  a weird kind of line across my face from it.  Just proves that I can't even whack someone in the face properly because I've -

Never been in a fight
Ever.  Fights with siblings not withstanding, I've never been in a fight.  I've never thrown a punch, I've never had to risk anything, I've never felt that my personal safety was in jeopardy let alone my life.  That's a bit of a wild card situation that should be fixed before I'm toe to toe with a shambler.  I'd do it, but I'm also-

A bit of a coward
I'm calling this out as a separate item from never being in a fight.  I could probably resolve that by getting into a fight.  But I know that I don't want to.  If I ever did get confronted by someone who wanted to fight me, I'd back down.  The best I could do would be run away, and as I stated above I can't do that very fast or very far.

In summary
The role that I'll probably serve in the zombie apocalypse will be that guy that shouts "Zombies!" while being devoured.  The best I can hope for is to avoid standing in front of any recently barricaded doors or windows and saying something like "there's no way they'll get through THAT!"

2 comments:

  1. Well...you could be the nerdy guy who provides witty commentary during the zom-pocalypse...

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  2. True. Depending on the scenario, that guy could actually survive until the end... But I'd be reduced to printing things out on paper and taping them up around town once the Internet goes down, then I'm sure to be eaten. And nobody will know how I really felt about the A-Team movie (I'm assuming that when the apocalypse comes, I'll go see it).

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