Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Oh, Facebook, You've Done It Again

A few years ago, My Lovely Wife made a decision that would impact us in ways that she would never have believed.  You could have sat down with her and laid out a comprehensive outline of all the ramifications of what she was going to do, including a PowerPoint, charts, and three supporting expert witnesses and she still would have gone ahead and done it.

She decided that Facebook knew too much.

I can't blame her.  Facebook knows a lot about us.  Even if all you ever did was accept only your closest friends and immediate family members as friends, just the very act of linking to them tells Facebook all it needs to know about you.  Like tends to attract like.  You probably have similar interests as your best friends, and you are probably going to have similar tastes in food as your siblings.  Throw that all together in a pot and stir it up with some crazy algorithm, bake it for 45 minutes at 325, and suddenly one of the largest data mining companies in the world knows that you Tivo American Idol, that you voted for the wrong party in the last election (take that however you will), and you like cheese.

You can read about it in this post here: Dear Everyone on Facebook, I'm Okay

Well, good news everyone!  My Lovely Wife has decided to marry me again.  Or at least publicly acknowledge our marriage.

Within 18 seconds - I kid you not - 18 seconds of her hitting save on that tasty little tidbit, we started getting IM's and comments congratulating us on finally tying the knot.

So to celebrate my wife's grudging acceptance that everyone on Facebook should know of our wedded bliss, here is the text from a Kijiji ad that I wrote back in July of 2009 for her.  Well, I kind of wrote it for myself, but it was for something for her so that counts.  This ad almost went viral, it generated hundreds of views, but nothing like the snowblower...

Enjoy!

Address: Moncton, NB
Date Listed: 09-Jul-09


My wife really wants a scooter.

Every time one drives by, her eyes light up like a kid when the Dickie-Dee comes down the street. I thought I could distract her by getting her a little push scooter thing, but that just made her want a motorized one even more.

Here is a sample of the things she's said over the last five years:

"Oh, there's that cute one!"
"There's the one with flowers on it!"
"I saw that scooter parked at work today..."
"I really want a scooter."

The woman is determined.

I, on the other hand, believe that scooters are simply miniature versions of Road Machines of Death and Dismemberment (aka motorcycles). They may be smaller, but you only have to get crushed and ground into the pavement once, right?

I would also prefer to spend our hard earned money on something that won't kill her immediately. Something like a big screen TV, a bear trap, or a game of lawn darts.

I'm not saying that I believe that my wife will immediately crash and burn in a horrible accident. I'm just suggesting that said tragedy could be prevented by, you know, not being on a scooter.

So, I throw this out to you Kijiji and the Internet. If you are a serious scooter-head (I don't know what you call people that love scooters), AND believe that everyone who really wants a scooter should have one, AND you have a scooter that is in good running condition that you're willing to give away, AND you can accept the fact that I will probably hold you morally responsible for my wife's subsequent happiness/horrible injuries/shuffling off this mortal coil, then I'd like to hear from you.

No junked scooters - if it will require money to get running, no thanks. I'll probably be willing to spring for, say, changing the oil. I'm not willing to pay for a new superinfluxuidator valve or flex capacitor. Cosmetic stuff is okay. If it just needs some paint or it's got a dent (although anything that dents a scooter is probably liable to just take it clean out in my opinion), we can deal with that.

Don't worry about safety gear. If you have some that will fit my wife that is in good condition, great, but believe me when I say that if this becomes reality and someone does show up with a free scooter in running condition, there's no way she's getting on it until she's got a helmet, body armor, bubble wrap and (if possible) an emergency crew/police escort. All the money that will be saved in not paying for a scooter will be funnelled into ensuring that My Lovely Wife will remain in the same condition she was in before she got on the thing.

That's about it.

Please note: I never did get her that scooter, despite getting hundreds of views.  If you have one for free, the offer still stands. :)

By the way - Jaymee Splude just posted audio from an interview I did with her.  She amuses me, and I hope she amuses you as well.

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