Monday, September 10, 2012

Live Reaction to Watching "Abduction"

Warning, this is going to include spoilers, but only if you think that there is a way that this movie could be ruined further.

9:40 AM

I'm home alone right now, so I'm doing what most guys do in that situation: I'm watching stuff on Netflix while knitting.  Cliche, I know, but what can I say?  I'm a manly man.

But my fingers need a bit of a rest and it turns out that at some point I picked up an extra stitch so I think maybe my mind wondered a little too far.  Which leaves me just watching Netflix.

The movie that I am watching right now is "Abduction" starring the werewolf guy from that movie and Snow White from that other movie.  I guess watching may have been too strong a word.  I'm about 20 minutes into it and I only sort of have an idea of what's going on.  I don't think I've missed anything too important.  It's still playing while I write this and so far the dialogue has been incredibly engaging.

For some reason that I don't understand and don't really care about, the guy and the girl have a love/hate relationship because they live across the street from each other and are in love but don't want to talk about it?  I don't know.  Could I care less?  Possibly, but only by not watching the rest of the movie.  And what does it say about you that you're reading about a bad movie?  It's like you're reading the novelization of it, and really, this is not a movie that needs a novelization.

9:47
I had to pause for a moment because both the laptop and the mouse battery were dying.  Laptop was easy to remedy, but why can I never find a working AA battery?  We have like 10 rechargeable batteries at any time, and none of them are ever charged.  You'd think that we'd have figured out the cause/effect relationship a long time ago, but nope.

Anyway, he just found a picture of himself as a kid on a missing children's website.  I think this is the plot, but I can't be sure.

I should probably mention that his friends are pretty stupid.  And poorly written.

9:52
They are doing a live chat or something on the website for the missing kids.  Surprisingly, people on the internet may not be who they say they are.  Thankfully, Internet searches are easily done with graphical interfaces.

Oh hey, it's the guy from the Girl Who Played with Fire movies I think.  He's a good actor.

His parents are the guy who has a hilarious interview about working with Jackie Chan on "The Tuxedo", and his mom is the hot mom from "A History of Violence".  Have you seen that movie?  It was really good.

9:58

His friends are still super stupid.  I wish I could live in this place, wherever it is.  Everyone has a iPads and Macs, designer clothes, and crazy huge houses.

And yet I'm supposed to believe that in this neighbourhood of multi-million dollar homes, his father fixes his own lawn mower.  Although, to be fair, "fix" means having it turned upside down and hitting it with a hammer.  How crazy is that?  Rich people fix their stuff the same way I do!

10:02

OH SNAP!  He just confronted Hot Mom with what he's found!

And I feel nothing.  Should this be a rather emotional sequence?  I'm pretty sure that she's acting with a cardboard cut out.

10:07

Action sequence!

Hot Mom kicks butt.

Girlfriend coincidentally gets involved.

Dad can fight too!  Not as well as Hot Mom, maybe, but he does kill a guy.  Go team family.

Oh, darn, his fake parents just got killed.

That may have been a spoiler.  Watch out.

10:08

I think he's supposed to be angry or sad about his parents getting killed.  I think I'll call this emotion sangry.

Big bomb explosion.  Like, way huge.  Bigger than you'd expect from the size of the bomb itself.

Yeah, the house is completely gone.  Thankfully, they made it into the pool before they could be killed.

10:11

Okay, so I think the guy from Girl Who Played with Fire is supposed to be the bad guy.

They are now on their way to the hospital cause girlfriend got ingjured.

And they just passed the slowest fire truck in the world.  Seriously, I don't think the guy driving the fire truck knows that when the lane is completely open in front of them and they have their sirens on that they're allowed to step on the gas.

10:13

Oh hey it's Doc Oc!  He's a CIA agent now apparently.

Ooooh man, the kid is trying to be a badass.  "Trust has to be earned."  Ooooh, he's badass.

And Sigourney Weaver- I forgot she was in this.  She's a doctor or something.  It was while I was knitting.  I guess she's here to help.

10:16

Car chase.  Oh, and Ripley is a CIA agent too.  And she's in trouble.

Oh, so many twists and turns.

10:18

Okay, this line doesn't make any sense.  Cardboard says "I need answers!"  And Ripley says "You've been looking for answers your whole life." or something like that.  I'm not rewinding it.  No he hasn't, he only just found out that he was abducted as a kid.  Maybe they're referring some way to him acting up in the past.  It has to be in the past, because he sure isn't acting now.

And yes, I may have paused the movie just so I could make that joke.

10:21

They are now going to get into the river and float away on a convenient bundle of branches.

Cardboard doesn't seem to care very much that she has fresh stitches from the hospital.

And now he's stealing stuff off clotheslines from campers.  Someone is going to be very sad that the quilt their grandmother made has been stolen.

Oh, I get it.  This was just so we could get the two of them cold and wet and under blankets.

Oh, nope, no nakedness. They just wake up spooning.  I guess this isn't a teenage sex comedy.  Though now that I think about it, there really isn't that much that would have to be changed to make it one.  His friends are stupid, the girl next door is really hot, they live in a really nice place where everyone is simultaneously on a sports team and good with computers...

10:26

Cripes this is bad.  Cardboard is pretending to cry now.  WAAAIT, that's it!  He's not a bad actor!  He's a not very good PRETENDER!

"Okay, Cardboard, in this scene, I want you to pretend that you're just waking up next to Hot Girl and instead of being a real boy and being all 'I just woke up next to this hotness! I need to take a pic on my phone!', you're going to pretend to cry.  And ACTION!"

10:28

He wants to send her home.  And it turns out that her parents are in Italy.  Further proof that this is Movieville.

And she's convinced Cardboard that he has to trust her, because they can only trust each other.

10:31

It turns out that his father is a Black Ops agent. I think.  Maybe.

Somebody mysterious just told Doc Oc CIA guy to get things under control.

10:33

Cardboard and Hot Girl just got picked up hitch-hiking... on the wrong side of the road.  In the middle of town.  By a truck driver.

Hot Girl:  Can you take us to Virginia?
Driver: Get in.

Seems legit.

10:34

CIA is going to go after all his friends now.  Good thing they're losers. Terribly acted, poorly characterized losers.

10:35
They arrive at the safe house.  Stopped to pick up groceries after getting dropped off by the truck driver who didn't kill them on the way.  He's really the unsung hero of this movie.

10:38
He found a picture of his mother.

He just figured out the safe house is his real father's place.

Hot Girl just called her uncle from the landline.  Cripes.  Nobody can be that stupid, can they? Way to compromise the safety of the place.  And completely disregard the "don't talk to anyone" message that Ripley gave them.

10:39
They found a nice car.

10:40
They're practically in the middle of a cemetery before Hot Girl realizes that the address is odd.

10:41
Cardboard is trying to be emotional about his dead mothers. Sorry, I mean he's pretending to be emotional about it.

10:42
Good thing that Hot Girl can use the power of Hotness on nerdy looking cemetery guy.

Hotness, the kryptonite of nerds everywhere.

10:43
They are CARRYING CELL PHONES. And NOW Cardboard is concerned about driving the car for too long?

Can we just talk about the cell phones for a moment? UGH.

10:44
Oh, great, stupid friend is here to save the day.

10:45
They got fake ID's and went to the train station.  Who takes trains in a getaway in the US?

10:46
They sprang for a private compartment.  And just made an allusion to "good thing it's only one night".  Teenagers on the train, on their own, in a private compartment.  There's probably going to be boobies coming up soon.

And she just asked if they were going to die.

Boobs are definitely coming up.

10:48
This is the part of the movie that my Mom will start reading the review at.  Great.

10:49
Phew, they're going to take a break to get something to eat.  She's going to go get some food and give a secret knock when she comes back.

Such a good plan to split up like that.

10:50
Wait, how is she paying for this?  What kid carries cash these days?  I haven't carried cash in forever, and I don't live in Movieville where money just comes out of the taps.

Who would have thought that her going to get food by herself could end poorly?

10:51
And now he gets concerned about her missing.

10:52
"Now pretend that you're walking down the hall to the room."

Ugh.

Cue fight sequence.

10:53
Hot Girl is all tied up, but is trying to escape I think.  She's somehow managed to break a glass by knocking to onto the carpeted floor of the train.

Meanwhile, Cardboard is beating the experienced bad guy by having flashbacks to his adopted father.

And he just kicked a train window.  I'm pretty sure that train windows don't break like that.  I've never done it, but I think they are probably made of plexiglass and aren't supposed to shatter into shards like that.

10:55
Hot Girl: Hold on, I need to take a breath!  (Pause for three seconds)  Okay, let's go.

10:57
Cardboard's trust can be earned with a burger and a milkshake apparently.

10:58
Here comes the exposition about what's going on.

I just realized that Cardboard is the male equivalent of Twilight girl.  He has one facial expression.

10:59
Bad guys are here.

11:01
Oh, dear, the bad guys may already be here and these are just different bad guys.

11:02
Oh, the cell phone is his father's phone.

But he stole the phone from the guy that attacked them on the train.  How can they be so stupid about their phones?  Doesn't everyone know that cell phones are pretty much designed to be tracked and used as bugs?

Yeesh.

11:05
They just called him by another name that I don't remember them using before.

11:06
His really stupid friend is apparently incredibly loyal.  Whatever, they were just the tickets to the opening game that he was incredibly excited about earlier.  Just give em away.

11:07
His father just called.  Cardboard is apparently the son of Wood.

11:08
Bad Guy is looking for Cardboard in the stadium, is incredibly anxious to get the information he has, but stopped to buy popcorn along the way.  I'm sure the concession lines were very short ON OPENING DAY IN A PACKED STADIUM.

11:10
Wait, how'd he get a gun in here?

11:11
Oh thank goodness a phone call.  I have to walk away.

11:18
Since I've got the movie paused I thought I'd take a moment to thank everyone that's made this experience possible.

Thanks everyone.

There's only 16 minutes left, so here goes.

11:19
The Bad Guy just admitted to killing his birth mother.  That's pretty sad.

Again, how'd he get a gun in here?  They had to go through metal detectors.

11:20
Is Cardboard Canadian?  He keeps apologizing to people he bumps into as he runs away.

Why is he still carrying a cell phone?

His birth father just called him to give him the plan and now everything is going to be good.

I'm pretty sure that what he just did would result in security being called.  All over the place.

11:22
Another call!

11:25
Only 13 minutes left in the movie.  I'll take this moment to say that I think it would be a great twist if it turns out that the truck driver from back at 10:35 actually did kill them and this is just him imagining what things could have been like if they hadn't gotten in the truck.

I doubt it will be anything that cool though.

Okay, back into it.

11:26
Wait, there were hundreds of people around, then there were none, now there are hundreds again.

11:28
The Bad Guy is being arrested, but they still just let him walk around without handcuffs or anything.

11:29
His birth father is a better actor than this.  Sad.

11:30
"Now pretend that you just saw your father in the distance and he disappeared."

And Ripley came back!  She wasn't actually dead.  That's exciting news.

11:36
Oh, man, this is... boring.

Wait, they just missed the entire game?  It was still going on when they were outside... But the stadium people just let them hang out in the TOTALLY deserted grandstand?  What?

That movie was not very good.

I'm glad that you could be here with me for it.  Sort of.  If you actually read through this, I feel for you.

I'm not going to sit through the credits to see if they set this up for Abducted 2: Abducted Back To the Streets.

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