Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Tragedy. It's time I started making some money off it.

Thirty-two year old women have heart attacks in the shower all the time, and nobody says anything (I know because I looked and couldn't find news on any of them). But if it's a celebrity, suddenly EVERYONE knows about it.

How about some love for the unwashed (or I guess really washed) masses of young female heart attack victims in the shower? Maybe now, this epidemic will be addressed and given the attention it needs.

To start, I'm going to start selling bracelets with "Remember BM" on them. As an added bonus, my "Remember BM" bracelets won't come in that irritating one size fits all format. Mine will be made of medical tubing, so you can make it as snug as you want to.

Tragedy. It's time I started making some money off it.

Friday, August 14, 2009

I feel as though I have abandoned you, kind reader...

So here is an awesome video, "The Ballad of G.I. Joe". I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Now THAT'S a cast.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Links links links!

Did they miss the boat on this one, or are they hitting a pop-culture reference at just the right time? I don't know for sure, but I do know that I like what I see.

Remember the driver through order rap videos that were going around a while back? Man, was that last year? In Internet time, that means it came out sometime around the time when drive through restaurants were invented. Anyway, these guys do a great folks song version... even better is the reaction of the guy working the window...

And in the "Didn't see that one coming..." file, I bring you this story.

Finally, a chart so you know that your time here has been well spent.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Jar-Jar, No Deliveries, Ye Olde Handiemanne, Plot for Next Summer Teen Comedy, and Question?



I know that this is probably something real, but for fun read it like Jar-Jar Binks. It somehow becomes both funny and tragic at the same time.




Who could resist this compelling offer? I like that this guy is up front with his declaration of non-delivery. This way, he weeds out all the people expecting deliveries all at once.

It somehow doesn't surprise me that this guy owns a copy of "10,000 BC".




If you need worke done on your classie car, then look no further than this Irish mechanic from 1750.



Seriously, my parents are going to be home this weekend and they can't see this. On a completely unrelated topic, does anyone know how to get stains out of a carpet caused by a falling vodka filled watermelon?



This ad appears to have been written by a Japanese game show.
You read? Ad! No monkey dance! Pencil case.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I don't know Captcha, what is it?

Sometimes, those "are you a robot or are you a human" security checks (captcha) that force you to type in random words comes up with some unintentional hilarity.

Here's one from Facebook that I got the other day.

On second thought, I'd rather not know what this is.

Find any good ones of your own?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Forget the prom dresses, I want to meet the owners!

My prom date and I were just friends, no romance involved. Still, I think we had a pretty good time. We met with friends, stood around, took some pictures, danced a bit. Then she left with her friends and I left with mine and it was all good.

Still, it would have been nice to have gone with my girlfriend. It would have also been nice to have had a girlfriend to go with. Whatever the case, I don't know if I'm happy or disappointed that I didn't go to the prom with the owner of these dresses...

Hosted by imgur.com

I must be tired because I can't find a really good pun to go with this ad. I mean, I want to point out the description, but I'm having trouble finding that perfect mix of subtle and awesome. Help me out! Add yours to the comments.

I'm finally on my days off so I'll get started on that other Kijiji project I was thinking of. More later!

PS - Yes, honey, I was just kidding about wanting to meet the owners. Mostly kidding anyway.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Kijiji 2: Return of the Beans

The free beans person is back! They've updated their ad at least twice. I'm sorry to say I didn't take screen shots now...

As you may recall the first ad said something to the effect of "Free beans. I have too many beans, come take them away."

The second ad (which I didn't take a screen shot of, unfortunately) said the same thing, but added the descriptive phrase "free canned beans". This, of course, answered many of our questions.

The most recent ad is much more informative, but also brings up some additional questions. This time, I've taken a picture!



In case you are unable to click through to read it, the ad now says:
I HAVE 18 CANS OF CANNED BEANS...THEY WOULD BE GREAT FOR SOMEONE MAKING A BIG POT OF **CHILI**.
I LIVE AT 3 EDGETT AVE...THEY WILL BE IN A BOX ON THE FRONT STEP...
ANYONE WHO WANTS THEM COME AND TAKE THEM....I HAVE ACCUMULATED TO MANY CANS OF BEANS AND I WILL NEVER EAT THEM ALL...........COME AND TAKE THEM AWAY.
You can tell they mean business now: they've upgraded to caps lock, and you don't just use caps lock for no good reason.

Question 1: How does one become the proud owner of 18 cans of beans? I mean, seriously. I've gone to the grocery store and come home and said "Oh, dang, we already had jam." In fact, we've ended up the proud owners of 3 bottles of jam because I couldn't remember that we already had some. But I've never bought 18 bottles of jam at once. That's just crazy talk.

Question 2: Why are these beans only great for someone making **CHILI**? Are these beans substandard for bean salad? What about if I was making refried beans?

Question 3: Are you concerned that perhaps people are too embarrassed to swing by and pick up your beans? Is that why you're just leaving them on a box on your front steps? Nice and anonymous, that's the way we like our porn and beans.

Question 4: Was it necessary to point out that you wouldn't be able to eat all the beans you had bought? Did you think "oh, I had better tell people that I don't want to eat these beans, otherwise they will think 'no worries, those beans will just get eaten if I don't take them'"? After the first couple of cans of beans, trust me, nobody will be around you to care if you eat any more.

Question 5: How do you feel that over 100 people have visited your ad, yet none of them want your beans? What do you think this suggests about society? Do you feel alone in a bean-less world? Or perhaps there are 100 other people saying "dang, someone's already giving beans away, nobody will want mine."

Question 6: Will you continue to post your free beans on Kijiji until someone takes them away? Or could you be convinced to take those beans to the food bank where 18 families might enjoy your surplus beanery?

Whoa, that was kind of a thought provoking ending.

Alternate ending: Has anyone ever made refried beans? I'm curious if the recipe is as simple as the name implies. There aren't many other things that are named how they are made. Take Upside-Down Cake would be one. Just asking.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Scooter For My Wife: The Responses

As of 9:00 this evening, there were almost 300 hits on my ad. That's 298 hits in about 32 hours, or 9.3 clicks per hour. Go me!

It didn't generate nearly the response that I was hoping for (i.e. a free scooter), however I did get some feedback.

Overwhelmingly, the emails I received were positive in nature. In fact, 66% of all emails were of the high-five variety.

Phil said:
"Great write-up - If I had a scooter to give away, you would have it for sure!
Thanks for the laugh"
Thanks Phil! I'll be sure to ask for more things that you don't have that you would give me otherwise in the future!

Jayne from Sympatico said:
"hehe! Good article. Good luck with that"
Aw, your half-hearted chuckle was all that I needed, but thanks for the compliment!

Todd said:
"Weh...this is glorious. Just thought I'd let you know.
I want a scooter, too..."
The most glowing review I received, Todd gets the Biggest Fan award. Congratulations Todd! Now go write your own ad, but you better not get a scooter for free before my wife.

Finally, Lady said:
"haha this add made me laugh! :))"
Lady is the biggest geek to write me. Only huge nerds are amused by math. To further emphasize how big a nerd she is, her emoticon is a smiling Alien (get it? There are two mouths? haha!). Thanks Lady! (Wow, I feel like Jerry Lewis...)

But of course, not all correspondence was like this.

In fact, A Guy (who shall remain nameless for now, but I can't imagine that there are many A. Guy's living in the area) was the first person to respond to my deliciously worded ad:
"Buddy I don't know what your smoking, but you better stop soon..cause your babbling like a woman...so give the guy his money back for those cheap drugs you bought, cause whatever it did to your mind you got taken"
I believe what A is trying to tell me here is that he disapproves of my advertisement. I hope to become close friends with A in the near future. If he thinks that I wrote this while under the influence of cheap drugs, he MUST have access to awesome drugs. Then, when I have lured him into trusting me implicitly, I will turn him in to Crime Stoppers. Instead of reward money, I will ask for a scooter for my wife.

Finally, Duffieboy wrote me at least once, but quite possibly more than that. I'm also theorizing that A Guy was actually trying to write Duffieboy and got me by accident:
"My msg to you continued...
Life is what life is.. live it the best you can, be as happy as you can... and love each other as much as you can.... And the most important...Make sure to do everything you can to make each other as happy as you can...
You never know when either of you will die...don;t waste your life worrying.. live it."
Duffie, my response to you begins...
Something is what something is. Do something the best you can, and be as emotionally positive as you can, given the circumstances...
Duffie, that's what the old me would have said to you in a sarcastic and highly mocking tone of voice...but the new me, the me that your mind altering email changed me into, wants to do nothing more than connect with you spiritually and on a higher plane of existence...and maybe then slap the bejeepers out of you.
Uh, hello? I DO love my wife as much as I can AND I'm doing everything I can to make her happy! Did you not read my ad? I'm trying to get her a scooter! I'm helping to fulfill one of my wife's fondest wishes. What are YOU doing? Jerk.


If I get any more ads, I'll post 'em. I have an idea for the next one, still percolating and it will need some work. If I get a free scooter for my wife, I'll post a picture too!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

My wife wants a scooter...

Here's my Kijiji ad. I think it's amusing. :)

I've already started to receive emails on it, and will start posting them as updates over the next couple of days.

For those of you that don't want to go to Kijiji.ca to see it, here's the text.

Address: Moncton, NB
Date Listed: 09-Jul-09

My wife really wants a scooter.

Every time one drives by, her eyes light up like a kid when the Dickie-Dee comes down the street. I thought I could distract her by getting her a little push scooter thing, but that just made her want a motorized one even more.

Here is a sample of the things she's said over the last five years:

"Oh, there's that cute one!"
"There's the one with flowers on it!"
"I saw that scooter parked at work today..."
"I really want a scooter."

The woman is determined.

I, on the other hand, believe that scooters are simply miniature versions of Road Machines of Death and Dismemberment (aka motorcycles). They may be smaller, but you only have to get crushed and ground into the pavement once, right?

I would also prefer to spend our hard earned money on something that won't kill her immediately. Something like a big screen TV, a bear trap, or a game of lawn darts.

I'm not saying that I believe that my wife will immediately crash and burn in a horrible accident. I'm just suggesting that said tragedy could be prevented by, you know, not being on a scooter.

So, I throw this out to you Kijiji and the Internet. If you are a serious scooter-head (I don't know what you call people that love scooters), AND believe that everyone who really wants a scooter should have one, AND you have a scooter that is in good running condition that you're willing to give away, AND you can accept the fact that I will probably hold you morally responsible for my wife's subsequent happiness/horrible injuries/shuffling off this mortal coil, then I'd like to hear from you.

No junked scooters - if it will require money to get running, no thanks. I'll probably be willing to spring for, say, changing the oil. I'm not willing to pay for a new superinfluxuidator valve or flex capacitor. Cosmetic stuff is okay. If it just needs some paint or it's got a dent (although anything that dents a scooter is probably liable to just take it clean out in my opinion), we can deal with that.

Don't worry about safety gear. If you have some that will fit my wife that is in good condition, great, but believe me when I say that if this becomes reality and someone does show up with a free scooter in running condition, there's no way she's getting on it until she's got a helmet, body armor, bubble wrap and (if possible) an emergency crew/police escort. All the money that will be saved in not paying for a scooter will be funnelled into ensuring that my lovely wife will remain in the same condition she was in before she got on the thing.

That's about it.


--UPDATE--

As of 7:00 AM this morning, my ad has had 230 hits!

I've only received a handful of emails, I'll put them up tonight when I get back from work. Probably.

Jumping on the Internet Meme Bandwagon!

I predict that "Gary the Landlord" will turn into a new cultural meme.

"I wouldn't move in there, the landord's a total Gary."

"Would you look at this lease? It looks like it was written by Gary."

"Hey, the police are here. Wonder if he's pulling a Gary."

I would recommend starting at the beginning. It only takes a few minutes to go through all the posts, and they are truly a delight.

Warning: there is some NSFW language... and then some language that you can be pretty sure is supposed to be NSFW, but is kind of funny. Reminds me of a story my high school English teacher told us about someone writing graffiti on the sidewalk outside his home: "Fick oof"

Fick oof, indeed.

I've submitted my first Kijiji ad...

Now I'm playing the waiting game for it to appear. Why, oh why does it take up to 24 hours for it to appear? That makes me sad. I should submit an ad on Kijiji so everyone knows that this is discriminatory and violates my basic human rights. Or something.

In the meantime, here are some ads that have caught my eye this morning.

Need Tutor
See what happens when you try to go with the lowest bidder?

You're right, the world is out to get you.
He drops his family off at Magic Mountain, then parks illegally and gets ticketed. Then he says that he's not going to spend any tourism money in Moncton on the weekend. Dude, we have already made our tourism money off you: Family Magic Mountain Passes + Food + gas to get home + $75 parking fine = we are doing all right.

Return of Bean Guy
Turns out that if you're not at least a little descriptive, nobody will want your free stuff. Lesson learned.

Free 2002 VW Passat!
I gotta call this guy up! Oh wait. Dang.

Wedding dress for sale
It's not so much the wedding dress that intrigues me about this ad. It's the picture that accompanies it. It really looks to me like these bridesmaids are up to something.

"Hey Janet, we know that you're really happy and everything today, but we just wanted to let you know... APRIL FOOL'S! You're soon-to-be husband is just an out of work actor that we hired. Why did we do it? Because we hate the way that you smile like a three year old."

Hopewell Rocks Family Day Pass
Wow, they only want $40 for the family day pass that they won on the radio. Okay, at first I was amused by this because family day passes for Hopewell Rocks cost about half what they're asking for (it's the season passes that are expensive). But what made me giggle (much like a schoolgirl, yes) was something I missed on my first reading:

"...ALREADY HAVE PASSES..."

I have only one question: Who buys a season pass to Hopewell Rocks? I mean, is there more to do there than I've seen before? Did they open up a Six Flags there since I was last there? Amazing wonder of the natural world. Seen it.

Doll size scare crows
For scaring away tiiiiiny little birds from your imaginary garden.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Magic of Kijiji

I found this ad and it delighted me.

Free Beans

I mean, really, this ad sums Kijiji up so well. Here's something that I don't want, I can't imagine that it has any value at all whatsoever so I guess I'll just throw it out. Or I'll put it up on kijiji and see if someone else wants my crap!

I've decided to try a little social experiment with Kijiji. I'm going to post wanted ads for stuff for free, you see them up there all the time. I'll put links up to my posts and if I get any really good correspondence I'll put it up here too.

Ah, weddings... so magical

You know how you can get caught up in the moment and not realize that you're on the Express Line to Craptown?

This is the story of one woman's second wedding. Well, not actually the story of the wedding - more like if you took a social network snapshot of the wedding party, and I find that interesting. Sure there are lots of disastrous wedding stories out there: weddings with drunk parties; weddings where everything just falls apart; weddings where a bridesmaid attempts to murder everyone, then attempts suicide (read the comments below the story); weddings that get interrupted by horrible tragedies like rain, blizzards or mortar shelling.

It's a little fascinating discovering the intricate web of relationships. I think it also says something about he human condition that no matter how many things point at something being a disaster on an epic scale, or even just a flat out war of attrition, people will just keep plowing ahead.

Whoa, got a little deep there.

Go read the story.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

If I was a reporter, I'd write news like this.

I'd get fired quickly, I'm sure. But thankfully, the Internet will always be there for me. Won't you Internet? Yes, you will.

Anyway, this story is so overwhelmingly delightful I needed to share it with you all.

Fair warning, this story has adult content may not be considered appropriate for minors. Or sharps. (That was a musical pun, get it?)

http://blogs.westword.com/latestword/2009/07/shmucks_of_the_week_the_threes.php

Monday, July 6, 2009

Like if M. Night Shyamalan made a movie about being scammed

Only he did it before The Sixth Sense so it sucked less and also a comedy.

It warms the very cockles of my heart to see that there are people out there that are not only unwilling to get scammed, but are also willing to put that experience out there for everyone else to see.

This is a chat log between a Valve employee and a customer about a Terms of Service violation... OR IS IT?

Regardless, hilarity ensues.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I never knew the power of my name...

Until I saw this. (Warning, there's a SWEAR word in there...)



I don't know what I'm looking at. I mean, I can kind of figure out that this is a snippet from a larger tale of some kind of strange alternate Sigmund Freud that was whisked away into the future and became some kind of Rambo-esque character, fighting the tyrannical forces of some sort of Middle East-esque group.

Oddly, the first thing that I thought of (after the "When did my last name become the sound you make when you punch through somebody else's head?") was that English was their common language. It just goes to prove what I've been saying for years: English has a hundred words for hate, but not a single word for love.

The next thing I thought of was "Would Sigmund Freud, even an alternate reality warrior Sigmund Freud, get his nipple pierced?" That question shall plague me forever. Or, until I stop writing this post.

As an aside, for perhaps the first time in my life, I find myself hoping to avoid ever doing a google search for my name. Please, don't help.

And now I stop thinking about his nipple piercing.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Oh, the humanity!

I am predicting three things that you will say when you look at this website.

1. "What were they thinking?"
2. "Hey, (honey/roommate/cat/Norse God of Thunder), check out this idiot!"
3. "Damn, that's... that's actually pretty clever."

Check it out at thereifixedit.com. Also, I really like the URL.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Kijiji Hero?

This guy is awesome.


In case he pulls the ad down, which I don't know if he really knows how to, here's the text:

"I am selling x box games. There all in good conditions they have no scratches. My deal is if you buy an x box game you 2 wwe or xxL magasins free as purchase. If you are willing to buy please contact this following number between the time of 6:00-8:00 647-xxx-xxxx. "

(I've blocked out the phone number)

Is he selling Xbox games? Or magazines?

It gets better though.

Here are the images he included of the "good condition" games that "have no scratches".


No scratches here. Absolutely none. Move along.

There are so many things wrong here, I don't even know where to start. No, wait, I do. It's by posting this here for all to see.

Buy my friends' home

If you feel like we don't see enough of each other, I have a solution: Buy my friends' house!


Our best friends are moving out of the province because they're "building their dream home". Stupid awesome house on stupid awesome piece of land. So yeah, I'm a bit upset about that.

But more to the point, I'm really going to miss their house. Their house and I have a lot of history.

When Trav and I moved here, we need to find apartments so our wives would also come to live with us. We somehow ended up talking to a real estate agent in the mall and that led us to talking about buying instead of renting and a short time later we were driving around looking at houses.

I don't remember how many homes we looked at... there were a few that were just damn ugly, a few that were okay, and a couple that made the short list. But there was one that made Trav giggle like a school girl. I watched him flit from room to room while his inner monologue went something like this:

This place is awesome! Wait, I can't get too excited about this. I can't own a house. But this is awesome! No, I have to be level headed about this... what will Alex think? Oh, I bet we could get some french doors here and that would seal off the living room... and the fish tank could go here... and the basement is so big! And the garage! I could put the Seven away for the winter...I can't buy a house...

It also helped that Trav speaks out loud when he has an inner monologue going.

He was still fighting it out, but I knew that he was going to buy the house. I totally stepped out of line as the Voice of Reason in the situation and said "Trav, you are totally buying this house."

And he did. And it was awesome.

There have been a lot of birthday parties, celebrations, visitors, wasted afternoons, movie nights and just all around fun at this house. I've invested a lot of energy in visiting them and taking advantage of all that the house has to offer. Energy that I don't want to lose.

So do me a favor and buy my friends' house so I can keep going back to hang out there. Fair warning: if you do buy the house, you may find a tear rolling down my cheek on occassion when I come to visit.

More awesome pictures here!

Really nice photogr...AWESOME PAINTINGS

This guy does some really great work. Not only are these actually paintings, they are really great compositions. I may not be qualified to judge what is and isn't art, but I like these. If anyone wants to buy me one, I will hang it up in our house. And I bet my wife will let me too!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I'd like to think I would do this.

This would have been the highlight of any high school graduation ceremony, that's for sure. I'd like to think that were I asked to encourage the latest batch of grads that I would do the same thing.

Go Eugene Mirman! I've watched some of your other comedy on youtube and this is by far your best work, as far as I can tell.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

The King of Kong...redux live!

If you've never seen the documentary "The King of Kong", let me catch you up to speed:

There are people that are still competing for the World Record high score in Donkey Kong.

Okay, specifically, there are two people that are really competing against each other, and you should really see the movie because it's truly awesome.

What you need to know right now is that one of the guys is at E3 and is attempting to break the record again... on a LIVE webcast!

Check it out.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Careful! May cause attack of awe.

To give you an idea of how impressed I am by this picture, here's a transcription of my internal monologue:

Heh heh. Wait...
Oh, I get it. Heh. Nice.
Oh wow! Well done, there's the...
Holy crap, there's another guy-
NO WAY! Really? So I wonder if-
TROGDOR?!

And that's when my mind was officially blown.

Take a look.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

You’ve got a point

"Look over there," I said, pointing.

"Where?" She asked, looking.

"Right there, where I'm pointing." I replied, pointing.

"You don't point right." She said, looking.

"What does that mean? I don't point right?" I asked, shaking my finger.

"You never point at what you're looking at." She said.

"I do so," I said, "look. Right there." Pointing.

"I don't see anything. You aren't very good at this."

"I've been pointing all my life. I'm very good at pointing."

"No, you aren't. If you were, I'd be looking at what you were pointing."

"No, you're looking at what I'm pointing at. I'm talking about where I'm pointing, and where I'm pointing is technically the end of my finger. That's where the pointing actually occurs. And it is the end of my finger that I want to draw attention to."

Sometimes, you need to be specific.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Fear!

I wonder if I have a fear of crowds.

Now, those of you that know me, and since those of you that know me are the only people that are reading this right now I am going out on a limb here and say that's all of you, will probably say "That's stupid." After all, I was a theatre major right? And I do enjoy a good party. And I have a tendency to want to be the center of attention, so how can I possibly be afraid of crowds?

Okay, maybe afraid is a strong word.

I started making a list of things that I don't really like just to see what they all have in common (if anything). Here's part of the list:

  • Concerts
  • Beaches
  • Large cities
  • Malls

All of these things have something in common. They are all places that typically have lots of people.

Oh, I don't like taking the bus or other forms of public transportation. Those are also places where you get a lot of crowds sometimes.

I do get along fine on airplanes. But maybe that's because I can hunker down in my seat, watch the in-flight entertainment or play video games, and concentrate on the greater fear of the crater that we'll form when the engines fail. Plus, with the way they cram everyone into the plane we all have our own little territory that surrounds our seat. It's not like a bus where you have no idea how many people may end up standing next to you.

What about the fact that I spend so much of my time trying to be the center of attention? Just try to make me sit quietly at a party. Can't be done.

Isn't it true that I would love nothing more than to be standing in front of a huge audience, entertaining the hell out of them?

And don't I spend a lot of time surfing the web? Playing online games? That's like the largest crowd of all, isn't it?

But you see, what those things all have in common is that I'm not in the crowd. I'm outside of the crowd! The crowd is watching me, you see the difference? I'm not part of the crowd.

Maybe I've identified some complex aspect of my psyche that will improve my life!

On the other hand, those things all have something else in common too… they are all expensive places. So maybe I'm just cheap. (And yes, I don't care what you say, the beach is expensive.)

Saturday, April 18, 2009

LAN Party April 18, 2009

Hour 1
So far, still missing about half of the participants. Nobody has all the games installed. Nobody is surprised.

Highlights include:
-Finding a homemade patch cable to extend the length of headphones. They do not work well, but they are better than listening through a waterfall.
-One forgotten keyboard. Same guy that forgot his keyboard last time. How do you forget your keyboard?
-One lost attendee. He's not sure where he is, but we're all sure that he'll be here eventually.
-Regrets over naming convention: Monkey instead of Angry Monkey.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

April 12, 2009 - Happy Easter Everyone!

To celebrate Easter this year, we decided to have a snow storm. Yay.

Seriously, um, what? Snow storm. Easter.

So I spent some time indoors and found some stuff ye olde Internet. By the way, you know what I think is becoming a pet peeve of mine? People that constantly refer to the Internet in some cutesy/ironic fashion. Once or twice, given the context, is okay. But if you call it "The Internets" or something similar, please understand that I find you irritating. Nothing personal, it's just you.

This is an awesome video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmkLlVzUBn4

I don't know how long this would have taken to put together, but my hat goes off to them. Geez, the cost of printing the pictures alone...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Whoa, where did the time go?

So it turns out that I kind of stopped writing when I started working again. Is there a correlation there? Not sure.

The new job is going pretty well. Nice folks, pretty easy work environment and the best part is that I can leave the job at work when I leave. Best of all, I've had time to write a few things down. Here are some random things that I've jotted down over the last few weeks:

Actually...
If you begin more than one sentence a day with "Actually", you are very annoying. Please stop doing that. Your attempt to enlighten those around you is unwelcome and irritating.

I used to do it, then I heard how it sounds. I've been making an effort to stop, and I know it isn't easy. My method? Every time I'm about to say it, I imagine finishing "Actually, I'm a douche bag." It helps.

2. You know how everyone in the office has their "thing". You know, the thing that they're known for? Like the Guy That Likes to Party, or the Woman Who Smokes Too Much? Your something to somebody else, so you should try to make sure your thing isn't being an ass. Here's how to tell if people think you're an ass at work: If you think that the people you work with are generally a bunch of asses, surprise! You may be that guy driving the wrong way on a one way street complaining that nobody is yielding to you.

3. "You can't punish everyone for the actions of one person." Not true. Try growing a Hitler mustache and see how far you get. Imagine that... being the guy that ruins an entire hair style.

Monday, February 16, 2009

F1 just made me swoon February 16, 2009

I am not what you would call a fan of racing. I've been to a couple of races (because that's what you do when you live in a small town), but I've never so much as gone out of my way to watch a race on TV.

A few years ago, I came this close to driving up to Montreal for an F1 race. Not because we needed to see F1, but because a group of us were pathetically ensnared in working conditions that made us want to scream. And if you're going to scream, it may as well be at cars moving faster than anything you're standing beside should. We ended up not going for a couple of reasons, but that time that we almost took a road trip to Montreal is one of my most cherished almost memories of something that would have been cool if we'd done.

I just finished watching this video about the new F1 rules that are coming into effect this year. It's very well done, excellently animated, and very informative. If F1 turns out to be this cool, I may have to start watching it.

You had me at turbo boost.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Comedy Horror

After work last night, I dropped in on the CBC Hubcap Comedy Open Mic at the Pumphouse here in Moncton. For those that aren't familiar with it, amateur comedians get a chance to do short stand up bit in front of a live audience. The winner of the event gets to perform at the Hubcap Comedy Festival.

I have always wondered what it would be like to be a stand up comedian. I even sometimes think that I could do it well. After meeting me, many people have said "hey, you should be a stand up comedian". This advice, I assume, is pretty universal among people that want to try it. After all, if you're not generally acknowledged as being funny you probably aren't likely to get in front of an audience for laughs.

Which leads me to believe that, generally speaking, people are liars.

I arrived late and left early, so I was only exposed to portion of the evening's line up. Let's call it eight comics. Two were funny. Not "oh my god I'm going to wet myself" funny, but funny enough to get laughs on a regular basis. The rest ranged from amusing, like when the CEO of your company tells you a joke, to horrifying in a way that I can only believe that people not only lied to you but they also hate you.

Here are some comedy do's and don'ts that I cobbled together based on last night's experience.

  1. Do watch other comedians. Preferably professionals, but definitely the rest of the line up. You'll figure out what the audience likes and what draws a silence like Schindler's List.
  2. Do not think you are those professional comics that you have just watched. You are not. You know how everything that comes out of a pros mouth is funny? Almost everything that will come out of your mouth will not be. But that's okay. Just recognize that fact when you are writing your set.
  3. Do write your set. Write your jokes down and put together a set list so you know which jokes you've told and what the punch lines are. Doesn't matter how much you practice, even the pros blank sometimes.
  4. Do not write your set list on your hand, and do not put your set list somewhere where you cannot see it. Even if you are the most calm and collected individual with no fear of speaking in public, those lights are HOT. Also, if you write your list on a piece of paper, don't then put that paper on a ledge behind you.
  5. Do have a schtick. Have something that sets you apart so people will remember you.
  6. Do not have a disturbing schtick. People do not like clowns. You know who you are. Stop it.
  7. Do feel good about the fact you have the courage to do this. Not many people do. I haven't gotten the courage yet. Someday, I will, maybe. But for now, I'll just write snarky lists.
  8. Do not feel good that the courage you gained came in a chemical form. I have no doubt that you'll think that you were awesome last night, and that you had the crowd eating from the palm of your hand. I can only pray that you have good friends that will support you and guide you away from trying to do this again, and not bad friends that might allow you contact with children.
That's all the time I have right now, gotta get ready for work in the real world where I don't make people laugh for a living.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

February 11, 2009

Have you heard of this Matt guy? Did I totally miss an Internet phenomenon? I don't want to brag about having my finger on the pulse of the Internet (seriously, I don't. That would be a scary admission of the absence of keeping my real life together), but I like to think that I have an idea of what's going on out there.

And then something like this happens. How did I completely miss this dancing guy before? It's funny and entertaining, and yet nobody gets kicked in the crotch. Come to think of it, maybe that's how I missed it.

But, then, I think I may be losing my mind.

The wife and I were watching City of Ember. Don't know if you've seen it, it's not that important to the story, but it's an okay flick for the kids. Someday, we'll get some kids to watch these movies. Anyway, like I said, the movie itself isn't what was important. It was the fact that there was an actor in a very small role that I kept saying looked familiar, but I couldn't place him.

At the very end of the movie, I realized that it was Martin Landau.

I said "It's Martin Landau! But he's dead, isn't he?"

I figured that the movie must be a lot older than I thought it was. Cause, Martin Landau is dead, right? So they shot the movie a couple of years ago, but only just released it. I didn't think about it again until tonight when I looked it up on IMDB.

Turns out that Martin Landau isn't dead. He's very much alive. He's 78 years old and he's still working.

Now, you're probably thinking that the fact that I thought he was dead isn't so far fetched. He does kind of look dead. But what you're not taking into consideration is that I love movies. A lot. I take my movie trivia very seriously. When playing "Scene It", the teams are usually divided into me on one side and everyone else on the other.

The fact that Martin Landau is alive throws everything I think I know into question. Is there trivia and bits of knowledge that I'm losing because something else is jockeying for position in my neurons?

I therefore resolve to get back to my roots. I shall be doing a lot more knitting because I have to sit my butt down in front of a television and watch a bucket load of movies. I shall spend less time worrying about viral videos and more time worrying about trying to get a copy of "Ultra Warrior" and "Blood of Heroes".

I'm going to get all Rocky on this movie trivia thing. Gonna spend some time watching someone run up stairs and live through their cinematic experience! You just watch me! I will defend my Scene It crown!

(Interesting side note: although the teams usually always get divided up into me against everyone else, I have yet to actually win the game. I always lose, and yet somehow, I'm still the guy to beat? How does that work?)

Monday, February 9, 2009

February 9, 2009

Some of you are going to read this post and think "um, what?". To you, I give this video link. Go watch it and be amused and happy that I suggested it to you.

Apologies for the absence. I shall once again lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of work. Work and my new baby niece, for whom I am knitting a blanket.

Yes, for those that do not know of my crafty hobby, I knit. It is something that I do when I sit and watch TV. If you've ever watched TV with me for more than five minutes, you know that I have a tendency to move my legs. Back and forth, up and down, kind of a roundabout motion... they all make an appearance. Sometimes it's only one, sometimes it's both. Either way, it's easy to see that it would get on anyone's nerves. Knitting keeps my legs still. Or at least more at rest than otherwise.

It started when I was a kid. I don't remember exactly why I wanted to learn how to knit, but I did. Maybe it was my neighbour, Mrs. Casey, who sat on her front porch and knitted all day while watching the street. If we were out playing and needed a rest or were between games, we'd go over and sit and say hello and watch her knit and talk. It was nice.

But she didn't teach me how to knit. I think, in some ways, I was a little scared of Mrs. Casey. First, when she got mad, she would slip into French, which I hadn't started learning in school yet (and never would learn to the degree I'd be able to understand what she was saying). Normally, when I don't understand the language (which happened pretty much all the time with Dad and the relatives on his side), I'd smile and wait to hear my name. But this was different because I wasn't related to her and I wasn't used to the sound of French. So if I was walking by her house and heard French coming out, I just turned around and got out of dodge. French sounded angry to me.

Second, she had a habit of referring to herself in the third person. What's that all about anyway? "Come and help Mrs. Casey move this chair," or "You tell Mrs. Casey if you'd like something to drink." I had only been using pronouns for a few years, but I was pretty sure I had the rules straight. She was breaking the rules.

Anyway, there was a nice lady at church who offered to teach me how to knit. I don't know if Mom asked her or if I did, but either way I ended up at her house eating McDonald's and learning to knit. For those of you that my have missed that: I was eating McDonald's and learning to knit. She could have been teaching me how to paint by numbers and as long as there was McDonald's I would have kept coming back.

I learned how to knit a scarf. Mostly. Then I put it away because I discovered girls and dancing. That's another story.

I stopped knitting for several years. Like maybe almost two decades. I don't remember when or why I started again, but I just had an urge and bought some needles and some yarn and tried to make a scarf again. It took a while to relearn how to do it by myself, but I did. Mostly. Then I put it away again because I had better things to do like play video games and go to the movies.

Then a few years later, I started again. Again, don't remember the reasons why, maybe I just found my old needles and yarn and decided I had to use it up. Whatever the reason, I've been knitting ever since.

My typical position for knitting, as you remember, is in front of the TV. This means that I have made a choice about what I knit because I must divide my attention between yarn manipulation and the entertainment being piped into my head. One of these things I enjoy more than the other. Therefore, I knit scarves.

Scarves are easy because I only have to go back and forth until I figure it's long enough. Then I stop. I make simple scarves, because the total amount of attention that I am willing to give to my knitting and take away from TV can be summed up as habitual movement. If it's got a pattern, forget it. Who can read those things anyways?

Okay, a couple of years ago, I got a baby niece and decided I wanted to do something different for her. I decided I would learn to knit a blanket. Blankets, I reasoned, are just great big scarves. You go back and forth, and when it's long enough you stop. I chose some yarn and what I thought would be an easy pattern to work with and ta-da! It sucked! It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I missed a lot of good TV.

But I did learn that some patterns can be repetitive. And repetitive was what I wanted. So after I finished that blanket, I started messing around with other kinds of patterns, and they weren't as hard as I thought they'd be. I knitted another baby blanket for the newborn of some friends. Then I knitted a giant blanket for my wife, which was really easy because it was just three big scarves that I stitched together afterward.

So now I'm knitting another baby blanket for my newest niece, Holly. I should have started it a lot earlier than I did (two weeks before the baby is due is not the time to start knitting a blanket, in case you were trying to work out the logistics on your own). Now Holly has arrived, but the blanket isn't finished yet. I can't let her go too long without it, that would be cruel. It's a baby blanket, not a toddler blanket. Therefore, I have to watch a lot of TV when I'm not at work.

And that's why there hasn't been a post in a while.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Ummmm

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2e76753062/bird-watcher-s-super-bowl-picks

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Hello, Old Friends...

It has been a while since I've written anything. I could blame it on the fact I have a new job, for which I work 12 hour days (the upside being that I'm actually getting paid for working 12 hour days). I could blame it on the training time, the energy drain of learning a new office environment, learning new systems and trying to figure out exactly what it is that I'm being paid to do.

I could blame it on all those things, so that is, in fact exactly what I plan to do.

With that in mind, I cast my net far and wide to help me write something worthy of a post. Here is the awesome.

Work @ Blognostifier
uhhh... umm..... yup. hmmm.... yeah. 12 hour days....

Work 1, Blognostifier 0

Thanks Jim. You're the real hero.